Another Holiday under our belts. Family, check. Good times, check. Disappointment, oh yeah. Excitement, wrapped in something personal, check there too.

Sometimes I wonder if we will ever celebrate this season without tears. Will we ever just let it be, and stop with the expectations that don’t manifest? Sometimes I wonder if I am destined to feel last and afraid and like nothing will ever be right. Where is the strength that is supossed to come as we age and where is the figured out-it-ness? Am I putting effort into something no one wants but me? Sigh.

There has been abundance. There is impending loss and huge change looming. There is a void inside and out, that I stress over constantly. I long for my emotional void to be filled but wonder if it ever will be.

I loved having my hands on the grandbabies.

I saw my sister and her kids. I felt helpless to fight tears when asked “how are you?” I couldn’t turn off our life to participate in everyone’s Happy-Happy. I tried. I love this season. I wanted to give my child something – gifts under a tree, but more, security… Geoffrey asked me about our house and when I think we’ll have to move. I told him it could be soon or it could be a year from now. It’s not in my control.

The knot in my throat has taken up residence there. We’re cold, but not terribly cold. The days are 50ish and we can live with that though sometimes my hands and feet and knees ache. We have food. We have a smidge of work. We can pay our utilities but not our house payment. Same old, same old, STUFF.

I haven’t had a period for 6 weeks. Menopause is beginning.

And today a friend shared a video on two-handed fair isle knitting. I have learned a new skill in my old age! I have color patterns AND the desired stretchiness one’s knitting should have! I’m so tickled I could just squeel! This year’s arm warmers are going to be lovely!

I also walked the garden and there are greens. December and it still produces!

Goddess thank you. Goddess hold us. Goddess Guide us. One foot in front of the other is all I can manage right now. I think, it’s all that’s expected.

Chickweed, assorted salad greens, and collards. Abundance in the midst of winter.