Still feeling down – this utility bill is haunting me. I don’t see how we are gonna make it. $489 that just isn’t there. Don has cut Steve’s work to once a week and the man just won’t get his ass moving till at least 2pm. We’ve gone from $150 a week to $50 – maybe.

He got paid for 3 hours of work yesterday and we lost the trivia tournament and he came home and threw his hat and a fit and was up all night. I had to be all friendly with Mandy (remember mandy?) – who I liked very much but had to watch Steve hug. She is/was oblivious to his sneaking. She’s early 40’s, and hit it off perfectly with Tammy who Steve has decided he won’t play trivia with again either. Why we can’t have friends who aren’t trivia friends is beyond me. Trivia is what we do. it’s what they do. It’s just that they like it, and we NEED it. For us, this is getting old. Steve is not on the winning team because the team didn’t want to play with me. I’m not good enough. They are jerks and he gave it up for me so I’m not entitled to complain or have an opinion. Sometimes I hate trivia. It could be so fun without the pressure.

Steve told me I had another night terror – He says I do it often. He says I fight and scream out Leave me alone, stop it NO Go Away, and lots of loud incoherent mumbling – and I wake up with no memory of it. He held Jackie away from me this last time and said he knew if he’d tried to wake me up I’d of hit him and fought him. Damn. I guess the Universe is being kind to me to wipe my dreams away. People say keep a dream journal, but there is nothing to record. Mostly I wake up feeling tired and like I haven’t slept. I remember enough trauma in real life to have to sort through dreams like that too. I think I’ll count it as a kindness and move on. Steve was very disconcerted and couldn’t sleep.

I want things to go well for us. I don’t want to fight. I am feeling the pain of inadequacy again. I just can’t shake it. The needs are swelling and the money is shrinking.

Last night, Steve bumped into a waitress at the tournament almost knocking her over and wanted to leave her a $5 tip. We ordered nothing. I reacted from the money pit and he reacted like I was a mean bitch who was hateful – I caught it and backed right off – I let him tip her of course – and I fought tears all the way home because he is oblivious to the things I’m feeling so deprived of. I look in the mirror and see the gray I can’t cover because it looks like shit the next time I can’t buy color. The chipped up nail polish I can’t clean off because I have no remover. I want a goddamned bottle of oil of Olay to use on my hands and face. I broke one of my size 5 double pointed birch knitting needles. It’s stupid to feel like this when I have other lotion, other size 5 needles, I’m gonna have to cut my hair anyway because my arm hurts so bad when I try to brush it… FUCK. I can’t see to put on mascara anymore so I guess wanting new makeup is pointless.

My perspective is selfish this morning. I have to find my balance so I can continue to walk this freaking tightrope. I’m faltering and no one really gives a shit. That’s not true. People give a shit. Kay called last night to make sure I do NOT shield her if things get too bad. I had that want to scream moment again… 4 freaking years of this. THEY are BAD! How much more? How much MORE?

Yes I can take it. Yes I can do without these things. No, they aren’t life threatening. They are just ME threatening. I shrink away into practical nothingness. The strap broke on my new purse last night. What did I expect from an $8 Kmart bag? I safety pinned it. Yes, I can take it back and get my $8 – it’s not the point. It’s my favorite color and the last one they had and I wanted a fucking new purse,

What the hell is wrong with me? On occassion, I get the feelings that other women are allowed and this situation we are in makes them hurt me like sharp little stabs.

I don’t like stabs. I don’t like them at all.

I’m gonna go play Wow for an hour and then start a new hat. I am going to make dog sweaters in my etsy store – people like those. Don’t worry. I’m okay.

I’m always okay.