I’m not really feeling FB at the moment. Seems all I have to say is nothing. I keep posting things other people have posted first and that’s boring. I need to spend my time better. Sometimes I wonder should I disappear, if anyone would make an effort to keep in touch or if the efforts would all be mine? If I disappear, I’m sure there would be some ‘oh I miss Amber’ comments, but I also think that would be the extent of it. That makes me sad.

I’ve finished the little knitted blanket I made for Beth. I need to block it and make a small applique for each side, then get it in the mail. It’s very sweet. I started Lanie’s hat last night and it should be real cute. That leaves me needing to make 4 for pay, and 3 for promises. It’s good stuff. My girls want hats too. Kaiha says she has friends who want jewelry from me. I wish I was feeling the jewelry more. I need the wire for stringing it. I took down my jewelry table and packed it because of the BOA crap and need to do some refreshing study on stones to start working with them again.

I was also told I should reapply to AutoTrader at the first of the year because they are sporadically rehiring some of the people they laid off and there are people there who remember me and loved me. I guess I could. I was thinking about it and feeling the hard feelings I’d have to work through. I wasn’t happy there at the end – could I go back or should I let Steve carry this burden and focus on the crafts and something part time nearer to home? We don’t have a car that would make the daily drive, there are no clothes, glasses would have to be addressed, shoes, hair. Such an investment again. And the beginning level pay…to drive 30 miles one way. I don’t know. I think about it and the negatives hit me. I have been applying for things for so long. we drive to the grocery, see a sign, stop, ask for an application. 95% of the time we are directed to an online site. We never leave that we are home before 2 or 3 hours are gone because of this crap and people think we don’t try. I could scream at the random applications we place. I peruse Monster, Career Builders, Craig’s List, the Dept of Labor site and several others I have book marked. I make myself put in 4 applications daily and once in a few months, someone answers me. Mostly I am spammed. I guess it’s ungrateful to not want to go back to AutoTrader.

Nothing from the State of Georgia on the tax arrangement that BOA needs to move forward with our loan. Nothing. Well. Why am I surprised?

See why I’m not going online today? It’s not a good day for me. I need a face to face girlfriend which I haven’t had in 20 years. I need someone who isn’t bored with me who will let me love them and help them back. someone who isn’t grossed out because we have cats and a dog. someone who isn’t too good to associate with me because my son is in prison. I get tired of secret keeping to have a superficial something that is onesided. I want a friend who loves me and cares back. Reciprocation. I guess in this day and age, it’s too much to ask. I should be happy I felt it once in my life, and let it go. I miss it.

My positives are sagging. I miss Kansas. I wish I could visit with Kayla and see Isaac. the house is messy. My arm still hurts even though I can move it. Steve’s arm hurts too – I’m tired of trivia. Geez. It’s threatening to rain but seldom does. We just get gray skies and achies. I need money. Oh god.

Maybe I should go back to bed.