Steve and I cleaned Bobby’s house today. We talked a lot about the girls and his feelings without it blowing up. He’s taking me to Kaiha’s 1 yr award ceremony for AA but he’s not coming inside. He’s really adamant that he doesn’t want amends from them. He’s had enough and he’s fine with them leaving him alone for the rest of our lives. There’s not much I can say. I’m the mother and I don’t feel like he does. Of course there are boundaries, but if they are trying and making different choices and not causing drama, I am not closing the doors on my girls. And then I found out Kansas is selling drugs in prison. Guards are bringing them in. I hate knowing this. I should have drowned him right at birth.

Melissa called me and asked if I could make mittens. I can make anything as long as I have a pattern and there are a ton of mitten patterns! I love having something to knit.

A friend paid our water bill. I was speechless, really. It was such a kindness. It lets me put Bobby’s check into my account and cover the state tax withdrawal.

Oh, and the mail had a letter from a debt collecting company about my student loan. $79K and I never got my bachelors. I had several points for me to be aware of – they would arbitraraly add 24% of my bill to the balance as collection fees. So I will owe $100,000. They would garnish any paycheck I receive without taking me to court, to the amount of 15%. AND, they will take any State or Federal tax returns due me, AND any Federal assistance or Federal retirement. So in general, I’m fucked forever. I read the letter out loud to Steve and we just laughed. What the hell else can anyone take from me? Geez…

I don’t know why I even write this stuff out except that it’s the highlights of my day. It’s like an outline. Here’s what I thought, here’s what I did, here’s what made me cry, here’s what made me laugh. Sometimes something hits me and it takes a while to pull myself up and find my center. Some days I can’t find the balance – I try so hard to hang onto it but all I can do is knit. I can’t clean, I can’t work in the yard, I can’t leave the house. I’m unbalanced and I know it. I have to force myself to say thank you and count my blessings. I have to force myself to leave the house. And sometimes I really miss having a close girlfriend. I got 3 sentences out of Lisa on FB yesterday and cried for an hour. I miss her. She called me her dear friend, but told me she’s too busy to find a moment to click like on a picture or make a little comment. It’s been 12 years since we were close and talked and shared our lives. I’ve had her in my life since I was 19 yrs old. I miss her – I miss having someone who likes me back. Ah. Piss on it.

I guess this is enough rehashing of this day. I think I’ll go post the ladder Christmas tree on Facebook so Kayla can see it’s cute and not feel sorry that we won’t get a tree again. She worries and stresses over it but it’s ok. Her drs apt showed 1 cm dialated and 40% effaced. It won’t be long and she’ll feel better. :0)

I think I’m rambling. I’m fading out and falling asleep so I think I’ll just say goodnight.