I’m such a freaking baby. I have fought tears (fought nothing – I’m bawling like an idiot) all day over the stupid postage for a box to California. I can never afford to send stuff in such a way it’s a joy to open the box. I feel like such a fool to let it get to me like this. I had to repack my box and squish the contents to be able to mail it at all and forget the priority mail. The postal clerk assured me the box will be late – asshole.

I can’t see my baby or her babies and the toys and things I lovingly made and gathered just don’t feel the same coming out of a box they are smuched into. Dammit. Just dammit. I hate feeling like this. I promised myself I will never stop trying to do the things I want to do for my family, but I have this internal shut down valve over stuff like this. It’s no one’s fault but my own…

but still. It sucks. $15 is so precious.

We took out a title pawn to pay off a title pawn this morning and couldn’t get a handful of extra dollars. In another month, the bank says Steve can have a signature loan to pay off this title pawn. He gave notice to the newspaper on his route this morning to keep working for them as a substitute… maybe the money will be better. I’ve had tiny nibbles on the job front, but nothing offered except selling Insurance. My enthusiasm is pouring out all over the place.

Our diet has gotten worse and worse (way too many carbs)- my weight is going up – walking is more difficult every day with the the joint pain – no air conditioning – I swear it’s hard not to think of getting older and having nothing. This damn depression is just about all I can stand.

Food stamps reloaded today. I bought groceries and went with a list. Clean eating. $246 and half the stamps left to take us through till next month with prayers the renewal will not be screwed up so they delay the next months stamps by A MONTH like they did last time. I am sick of people’s comments about public benefits. I would much rather have a job and not need them or the rigamarole necessary to get them. Something else I can’t control.

On my list to get –
1. a baby pool for my sweet dogs so they can stand this heat.
2. new glasses so I can exit the ‘can’t see shit’ club.
2. Clothes for G for school and his dues for his senior year.
3. Dentures befor the last of my bad teeth abcess.

It’s not that this isn’t a good day. It’s as good as it gets and that’s what knots my emotions. I think I need a nap. Haven’t had caffine for 2 days and I’m about to loose it.

Oh yeah, I’m knitting a teddy bear to put on Etsy.