Seems the way out of discussing this situation is to give me two-minute check ins once a day. He’s sick and doesn’t feel like talking. I have lump in the throat-itis myself. I hate that I can’t stop this momentary crying bullshit. Then add Paris, Japan, Beirut, Africa; crap I am so raw emotionally. I am trying to take care of myself. I left the house for conversation and to hang in Joyce’s shop yesterday. A baby was there who was sick and vomiting. Sigh… I do not need sick on top of everything else. Crossing my fingers and drinking herby stuff for prevention. All I can do is keep pumping my head with “I can do its.”

Nurse Joyce used her anatomy skills yesterday to touch my neck where the vertebrae control my shoulder, arm, neck and jaw muscles-nerves. Just as I was afraid it would be, my degeneration is involved. Pain’s not going anywhere. Another shit added to the list.

The dogs are attentive. G’s being sweet. I’m really trying and I think that’s the problem. I don’t feel like trying. I’m freaking angry and I’m hurt. Where is the fight for us and our life? Stuck in the house sick.

No matter. I’m fighting. I’ll have gas money for the guys who agreed to help with our cats and personal stuff, after the next check comes. G’s paperwork is sent to the college and we can ask for financial aide now. Even though things feel like baby steps, there have been a hundred of them! I got emotional over a pic my daughter shared showing an 800+ dollar dinner tab in Vegas and I fought being angry over that, too. I make do and they have so much and I fight being jealous – they deserve their good life.  I don’t want anything less for them. I just want MORE for me. I’m such a selfish bitch.

end note: after posting this, an email hit my box… If you don’t want the Bible verse, click off now…

Philippians 4:19. And my God will supply all your needs according to his riches in glory in Jesus Christ. Timing these days is amazing. Reminders are everywhere. I have so much to be thankful for, SO VERY MUCH.