omg…now I’m an enabler. I practice being kind and loving and letting my family come to their own decisions in their own time – and now I enable. There is no winning. I am so angry right now I can’t stand it. People take advantage of me knowing I am the support and lover through the darkness in their lives, and right now I want to tell them all to…. and I can’t say it.

Make your own oatmeal. Make your own sandwiches. Get your dog. Get a job. Go to f-ing bed. Get up when it’s daytime. Empty the trash. Wash your own grunge from the toilet. Clean your own side table. Open the door and come out of your room! Don’t tell me I said you could sit there or not come here for another year….don’t tell me I said you can sit in a chair and loose your legs. Stop blaming me and do what you should do. This means husband AND kids.

That handicapped sign is MINE not Steve’s. I push through so much f-ing back pain without a word to anyone. When I go down which I know is coming sooner because of caregiving, what will happen to us all? I could scream and there is no point. My son, my husband, my daughter, other people… what do I have stamped on my forehead? FOOL? NO. I do not. I am kind giving and I love selfish, taking, using people.

It is YOUR place to be responsible for yourself. You know darn well you are using me. Stop it! Just because I love you doesn’t mean you get to sit there and whine how you CAN’T and leave me to clean your mess. I live here too so I clean it up – all of it because I can’t stand it while you grieve your trash.

Enabler… F* that. Wives and mothers and carers are all enablers I guess. Just growl… If I did what I wanted, I’d have a home of my own that no one cried about hating day in and day out. I’d not have anyone here but my dogs. I’d see my grandkids and not have to be bombarded with negative chatter all day. I’d have my table in the dining room and a desk for the computer. I’d have an attic with only christmas ornaments in it. I’d rent a room to someone to help me be able to take care of MY needs. I wouldn’t have to fight someone constantly to get up and walk around.

I’d go walk into the yarn store. I’d take a class. I’d play my guitar. I wouldn’t have a tv on 24/7. I wouldn’t have a tv at all or a cable bill. I would be making payments on a car that I like instead of one easy for someone else to get into. I want to sing with my music and have someone love me enough to come to me for a change. I want to sleep in the dark.

I’ve given my whole life to other people who call me selfish, who close doors in my face and say the meanest things and I give it to GOD because it is my place to LOVE.

Enabler… I feel like Jesus when he threw the money changers tables over… forgive … love… turn the other cheek. When is it my turn to be loved and valued? I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a grandmother. No one gives a hoot but ME. I get to be the poor grandma and I can see from pictures the little things I gather are not needed and too simple. I’m tired of having people blame me for their own sh**.

I go to my pen and to my knees and I will gently put ME away again. I want to sit outside and drum to my God until my hands are numb.