I sat today and made myself look at Steve. I’d forgotten he has freckles on his head. We had doctor appointments this morning and she is going to try Steve on Prozac. After we left, I told him I wanted to take him for a $5 Bag lunch at Hardies. I really hi-jacked him. He didn’t say much as today’s been hard on him. His hip has started to hurt. We just sat there and experienced the moment. It’s the first time he’s left the house in a month. I reached my hand across the table and didn’t say a word. He put his hand on top of mine and we sat and looked out the window. A few minutes later, he turned sideways and tried to use his right arm and hand to grasp the cane. He gave it a very concentrated effort, twice. He couldn’t do it. He HAD a grip and could squeeze this time last year and now he can’t. He won’t go to church now and I’m sure he doesn’t pray. He’s angry that he’s not getting better. He started this day stomping and babbling and crying and I just told him he was GOING to the doctor and he was GOING to try an anti-depressant and he might as well not let his mood escalate. He understands me when he looses his words he just has no control while it lasts. It’s like telling a kid to stop only he’s not a kid and he won’t. I know, he argues “can’t”.
I’ve been thinking about the for better, for worse part of our vows lately. I’m not going anywhere. If he chooses to, it’s not going to be because I didn’t uphold my end. It was hard for me to get past the picture of food falling from his mouth and the foot long drool hanging and the snot. and the pee all down the front of the commode soaking into my vinyl flooring. Blah. I’ve put on 50 lbs and my back is getting worse from the sitting all day keeping him company. I have got to use this treadmill. My front teeth have crumbled and broken off – I look like a meth addict. He has a bit of worse to contend with too.
He woke up and asked me if I made fried chicken. I was baking chicken…but I don’t fry it. He misses being able to make decisions. I just do things most of the time. I don’t ask him because he cries and it ends up being “whatever you think” after a 2 hr argument.
Since we sold the house and got the check from it, I’ve put back money for big repairs and have gone about getting the things we’ve needed for the household. Honestly, we needed double the money we got. I got an estimate from people who care about us, and it came to more than we even received. So I have shut out the wants like fixing up the pantry and having someone paint inside and out. Instead, I’ have replaced stuff we lost in the move – a lawn mower, the treadmill, a chainsaw, sheets, blankets – 2 quilts and a comforter per bed… I paid off my love seat and bought both of us refurbished computers. I’ve gotten some clothes and a small set of hot rollers. I got 3$ a panel sheer curtains off of E bay and I got a yarn swift and a grill. Things are still sitting in boxes because HE always put stuff together. I have to do it when the time is perfect. I tithed on that money and I gifted a bit of it and paid some people back who really helped us during all this tribulation. So things are what they are. I’m not so upset about them. We will be more comfortable going forward.
So back to the vows – Is it the worse time? The time I swore to be faithful through? I don’t know. It seems pretty awful sometimes. On the other hand, I still have an amazing list of thank you’s to say each morning. The coffee is good. My knitting sells when I put it out there. I have friends and a paid off house. And my dogs and son make me laugh. I have enough to share and GIVE. So even though we get hung up in the better or worse aspect of things – my vows said exactly “I Amber take you Steve to be my lawful husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health as long as we both shall live.” Think about what you said too – For me, I realize tonight that there are 6 parts to that promise. I’m sure the vows or promises we made are different yet similar, for each of us. It came to me what a disservice we do both our mates and ourselves when we don’t face each day as a NEW day and let it become the best day it can be – even if it’s awful, there is something to draw from it that God can use to make us better people.
I remember back when I was care giving for Steve’s mom. She had ALS. She and Geoffrey, my son, both got the flu. I’d made a Thanksgiving meal from boxes and frozen items because it was the best I could do. Mom was puking into a trash can and my 7 yr old boy was fighting diarrhea and vomiting and crying. He was on the toilet, holding a bowl to puke in and he lifted his little tear stained face and said Mommy, puking and pooping at the same time is really unfair. All I could do was offer him a cool rag and say “Yeah Geoffie, it really is.”
Green Jean Granny 