Our handyman friend is here to fix our fence and deck over the next few days. It’s so hard listening to Steve try to talk and and have conversation. Half sentences and lots of you knows and veer offs from the subjects. The other man is a Steve also and he’s just letting him talk. Bless him. I could easily cry but what good would it do..
My pastor had texted about getting Steve to come with him on a drive and as I read it, my phone called him back. I had the best conversation with him. Totally moved me outside of myself. I’m so sorry for all that happened this morning. In God, I am not limited. We are going to keep moving forward on this journey and whatever lessons lie before us, I pray they come with a side of Mercy and Grace. I’m sorry for spilling over onto this group of lovely ladies and I thank you each so much for being here to lift me up.
I had a small burger patty and some blueberries with sour cream and a pinch of sweetener for lunch. That’s one of my favorite things 
🙂 Plus, the doctor noticed I’d lost some weight. YAY! I decided the 55 lbs I put on since Steve’s stroke, has to go.
His blood work came back excellent. His PSA has stayed the same (prostate is enlarged) b/p and cholesterol are great. Diabetes is still controlled with diet. Steve’s fine except he decided to be a whiner and carry on about hating Rocky Mount again. How can he hate it? He never goes outside. He got all ticky and made me drop him off instead of coming with me on errands. Fine. I took my time.
It’s hard to always do everything alone. I love him but it’s not enough for either of us. I sure wish he’d decide to still LIVE. We are both too young to go on like this. I’m not going to stop doing what I can because he won’t join in. Unless he’s tired and strained, his mind is good. He has what I think of as EPISODES of difficulty now, which is so much better than before. Praise god for that improvement. His taking Prozac has help ME more than I can say. I feel guilty for wanting MORE and I feel like he’s released our relationship except for the part of me that feeds him and cleans up.
99% of the time I manage by putting on my smile and thanking God and putting everything out of my mind. I can ‘busy work’ with the best. Still… sometimes I find myself kinda wishing I didn’t remember how we were. The dogs were all on his bed the other morning and I slid over so he could get in my bed, with me. Out of habit, he raised his arm and I moved against him and we laid like that for a couple of minutes then he rolled over saying his shoulder hurt. I got up and cried.
This message sat for several hours during which time I let myself get angry. He was complaining about our home and where it is, loudly, and I let him have it. I told him how I felt about US and ME and his own body not being enough to inspire him to walk and work on himself. I’m paying a lady to come in tomorrow and clean for me. She will add the shine to things I can’t manage; mostly dusting and floors.
Steve has and could, fold clothes for me and with me – He was getting his own coffee and putting his dishes into the sink and picking up his own trash, and he fed the dogs and washed their bowels. Now nothing. He won’t even put his peanut butter on bread. I feel eating out of the jar is gross. I know he’s weaker – he is back on his cane because he said his ankle was going to snap in two. He won’t take a Tylenol. Now he can’t walk well again. He moves only to the bathroom or between chairs – 8ft. I called boloney on his not being able. He doesn’t want to be able. He just wants it to go away and be over. I get that, oh God how I get that. He finished his trivia game online and hung his head for a bit then went off to bed at 5:30. I wish I’d of bit my tongue.
I so seldom get angry. I rarely verbalize it. Today I did and then I felt instantly bad. He didn’t do this on purpose. He didn’t have a stroke because he wanted to. I want to raise my voice to the sky and scream. Why did this happen? We were nice people trying to build our lives and finish raising our kids. We were lovers and friends and confidants – and now WHAT???? I am so tired of being alone. Some days I do it better than others… today wasn’t one of those days.
The people came and brought the saw and the rocking chair. They got here and Steve headed into the bedroom with his BLANKIE – his word. G and I drug this big old thing through the house and into the back room and set it on the rug so He could inspect it. I went in and told him to get up, come see your saw! And he said “NO I’m not interested.” I want to let my words run on because I’m so hurt from this morning, but I won’t and I’ll get over everything…but this morning… really hurt me.
The lady who brought the saw with her husband was really nice. She hugged me tight when I told her I’d take care of her grandma’s chair. These people didn’t want to sell their stuff. Just pushed against the wall like the rest of us.
Sigh… half the day is done. Next Tuesday I’m getting my brakes done, a tune up, and oil change and inspection. I’m taking care of business. I’m OK.
❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
He hates me and wants me dead again. He came at me with his cane and I took it from him. I am a big gal and have Martial Arts training for defense so I’m not afraid, but man, this is tough. He asked me how much we have left from the money from the house sale and I told him. He’s screaming, hitting walls and slamming doors. I can account for every penny spent and he’s screaming idiot at me. I have kept my cool and he’s back in front of the tv. When he came at me, I told him I’d call the police and I will… How can this be part of our lives? We were friends and lovers and parents and now we aren’t. Sigh… where to write and put this??? Only here.
Here’s the shame of things…hubby has to get mad to his core to help himself. He cried and yelled and carried on all night. Then he got up this morning, made his own coffee and carried it while holding his cane (not using it) clear into the living room – a good 20 feet!
He refused to let me help because I am now the same scum as the rest of my family, but the lines have been drawn that I will not allow to be crossed. I’d say we are doing better even though he’s still mad.
I swear…one thing after another. Now he wants to talk about a divorce. I won’t say a word. If he leaves. he can figure it out on his own. Every bit of this is on his damaged mind. I didn’t even answer him. I am having heart palps though and I know I need to go eat something. I try to keep quiet. Guess this is my time to bite my tongue. I don’t need I’m sorries. What I need to know is what kind of real damage he can do to our household besides kick me back to 1,020 dollar a month income and try to take my dogs. Just GROWL.
Steve had the dogs crouching around MY feet from screaming at the ball game along with 2 full days of it again. Poor little Scotty was acting like there was a thunderstorm. Our son was trying to do his school work and couldn’t. I was jumping out of my skin and he didn’t care. He was doubling in half and screaching at the top of his lungs over and over. I kept quiet for a good while then told him if he did it again, I’d unplug the tv. He did; on purpose; the next play; and so did I. I pulled every plug on that side of the room. He stormed off in the bedroom and screamed for 30 more minutes. I finally went back and got our poor arthritic dog to come. Poor baby was stuck – couldn’t leave the bed. Then I closed the door so he could do what he wanted because it was so out of hand. I realized that wouldn’t work because he can’t see in the dark, so I went in, pulled the light cord, then shut the door.
It took another full thirty minutes for him to stop and come out and quietly sit at his computer. I made him soup and a sandwich and gave him his medicine. He said a couple words but the dogs didn’t budge from my side. After that it stayed pretty calm. I have several videos of the screaming.
What is clear is that he is unaccepting of where we are and planned to use that house money for getting away from here in his head. I had no intention of that being our plan. We paid people back, and went about fixing this house and he’s super angry. I’ve said over and over I can’t move us without him being better and he has sat in a chair for months not working and loosing the advances he’d made. So I fixed the house and replaced creature comforts like blankets and sheets and towels and fixed the sagging deck and bought paint. I am not trying to hurt him, I’m trying to build us a life.
So he came into his bed at 6am, crying and banging. Woke me and the dogs up and continued on. I finally said Stop it and he sniffled cried softly and hiccuped and loudly cleared his throat for a while and drifted off. I made sure he was covered up and let 3 of the dogs outside. Now I’m writing and having coffee.
Green Jean Granny 