Life moves on and shifts and rolls and eases and squeezes. So tired some days. Steve has his intellect in tact but his emotions have a disconnect. When he tries to engage them, it (he) becomes upset and cries out. He loses his words and makes these god awful noises. He bangs his cane and walks like a stomp and paces and it’s so disconcerting.

On Tuesday I was seized by an intense need for silence. My mind screamed I can not listen to more of this! Not listen to stories point by point that I lived and also have heard a hundred times. Not listen to what everyone we know is doing wrong or that is bad for them. I intensely needed silence. For 2 hours Steve focused on the houses next door and each item that was wrong with them. It shifted to Charlie (a brother that’s been dead since 2003) and then the yard at the house in Georgia (which we sold last May). I wanted to go bang my head on the wall to drown the words out.

I tried redirecting and it didn’t work. I tried asking directly and there was still another example or 4 or 8. OMG. I swear I tried to just nicely ask and he came back with who else do I have to talk to? (guilt and license to continue). I tried saying please. I ‘resorted’ to interrupting. Now he’s mad and not INTERESTED in talking to me EVER. He said “All you want to do is set me off so I lose control…” he’s never going to talk to me again.

I guess he can’t win and neither can I. I have tried to give him all of my attention for days on end and it’s too much for me to maintain. I can do it until he starts reliving the tough parts of my life for me (telling me how I should have handled every single situation, followed by the question “Am I right?” and saying Yes, is giving in and releasing ME and saying nothing pisses him off) and then, I did a knee-jerk correction and that’s all she wrote.

Now he’s definitely not speaking or acknowledging anything I say. Our son was in his room belting out “It’s Raining Men” and it was funny as anything. He wouldn’t respond. So childish. I tried my hardest to say I had to have a little quiet and off we went into the wild blue yonder of Stroke world. SIGH.

I can’t keep a pain journal anymore. Every Journal entry I post is about Steve. Every prayer is about Steve. Every breath is about Steve. I want to fight back and say ENOUGH, but I can’t. I have to put ME back in the box and continue on. I have to be the happy lady and just ignore him and his words or lack of them, and his fits because he can’t handle anything. I’m not allowed to change the subject or pick the conversation or challenge any thought. I want to say “Take your miserable self back to Georgia!!!” And instead I write on my FB wall and my friends disappear and it feels like there is no one left. No one to listen or touch or say a nice word to me. I’ve lost my husband, my love, my self, all in the trappings of his stroke.

He says no if I offer to make him coffee or a sandwich or a plate of food. He doesn’t respond to any question or gesture or kindness or apology. He gets to do this and I have to take it because I am the carer. There are days I really want to say FUCK that but all I really want is my husband back.