Last night hubby threw a fit like I’ve never seen. He was screaming kill me! Over and over. It was so horrible. I was reading my bible for strength thru it and came across Behold I have refined thee but not with Silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction. Isaiah 48:10 I kept holding my boundaries (my daughter said boundaries are for ME, not applied to others, which helps me a lot). He threw his cane at me for ignoring him. His fists were all balled up and he was so swollen in the face from screaming. As he came towards me, I grabbed up his cane and told him I would stop him from hitting me. He started to cry more and said give me my cane. I told him no – I wasn’t going to fight with him like this. So he started the usual verbal assault on my kids. I told him he is not going to do that either and if he does, I’m not listening. He said how I ignore him. I never touch him and I never hug him. He sat on the couch and sobbed. He promised he wasn’t going to hit me and I gave his cane back.
He told me he went into the kitchen with the intent of getting a knife to cut his wrists and couldn’t even find a knife. He said he never thought about hurting me – only himself.
You know, I am not looking for people to feel sympathy for me. I am trying to be honest and Christian or not, strokes are ugly. We would have to be Jesus Himself to handle this stuff without a curse word or falling into our own personal pit of despair.
This man helped me know I wasn’t broken 24 yrs ago. The first answer out of his mouth to me was always YES no matter what pain it caused him later on. He paid every child support payment even though his ex refused to let him see his kids. He was kind. He helped with housework and worked hours and hours of overtime – never calling in sick even when he could barely move. He remembers his dreams in vivid details. He has the most beautiful, expressive hands. THIS is not HIM.
I’m going to protect myself. I won’t hesitate to call the police if necessary. I turn on the video on my phone and let it record when these things happen. I try hard not to goad him with my words. I make myself remember that I love him.
If he wants to leave me, he can. If he wants to call his brother or his friends in Atlanta, he can. I guess if he wants to kill himself, he can.
He had calmed down enough to ask me for a kiss when I went to bed and I kissed him, I didn’t want to. I am tired of all of this, but I am not going to close a door that is still open in this awful situation.
Green Jean Granny 