Twenty-six years with this man. Tomorrow is our 21st wedding anniversary and I just snapped at him for the 3rd time this morning. I am NOT going to roll with this. He didn’t deserve my grumpy response. I thought he was telling me about a dead baby from a child missing post on FB and it became my hearing deficit coupled with his speaking deficit and AGAIN I said “STEVE PLEASE. I am not ready for conversation.” It hurts his feelings when I need silence. I feel like it’s such a rock and a hard place to fit into.

I got up, went to pee and as I sat there a moment longer than necessary, the cat tried to jump onto my back. I felt one claw as she caught the potted plant, pulling it off the back of the toilet and spilled out the entire quart PLUS of black dirt and pea-size gravel all over the bathroom floor. I walked out into the hallway and looked at the top of my dresser and he’d left his peanut butter cracker trash with all the crushed bits sitting there next to the clothes he’d folded and one of my handknit socks was missing. As I put them away, I called out “could you please keep your trash corralled today?” Then, “also, keep an eye out for my pink striped sock?” Then the dog stepped on my sore toes and I asked Steve if any of the others were outside and had he closed the back door. I’m thinking “Coffee and prayer…” I made it black (I want it ultra-light) and I went in and got on my knees – All I could manage right then was The Lord’s Prayer – I came out of the bedroom, scooped dry food into the dog’s dishes, did not open a can for them, and took a misstep wrenching something on the top part of my foot.

Now I’m sitting here with cool coffee, a sulky husband, and dogs who are still waiting for their food to come. The dirt is scooped back into the pot and the remains swept into a pile with the broom leaning over it, waiting on me to get the dustpan. The scale hasn’t budged in 3 weeks. Steve asked if I’d take the basket of laundry into his bedroom and I didn’t feel like it. Bending and lifting even a basket of clothes didn’t look good RIGHT THAT SECOND. Then came the DEAF baby, not dead, and SNAP.

I try hard to be positive but this morning, I have failed miserably because I was thinking about myself… about how tomorrow is our Anniversary and even if he remembers to say anything about it, thinking about it has me fighting tears and linking today’s living to his stroke and I am not in PRESENT TENCE in my mind space.

All I can do is say God help me. Maybe with better focus, the Lord’s Prayer is exactly where my head needs to be for a while this morning.

Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. (insert praise)  Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.  Give us this day our daily bread (a portion of your son).  And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors (God knows I am offending this morning).  And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. (in Jesus name I pray) Amen.

Now, I’m going into the kitchen to heat and add cream to this coffee, finish setting out the dog’s meal, and carry the dustpan to the bathroom. I’m also going to kiss my husband’s cheek on my way…