This is my last day of being in my 50’s… weird. Time is running in a direction I don’t like. I am still working on things and still have things to do and things I want to do.
Steve told me yesterday that when he dies he wants me to sell this house and move to Hawaii with my daughter. I told him that’s the plan. Now to get Jack and Kaiha to be on the lookout for a cool little house – Room for my bed, my craft stuff, computer set-up, and a kitchen and bathroom. And a few animals lol Oh to be close to grandbabies… THAT is what I want most. Getting older with no family around is the hardest thing.
Mama sounded shakey-voiced when she called me the other night. She was my age when she left for Africa. I remember almost 20 yrs ago when she said I needed to come to see her because it would be the last time I’d be able to and I said NO because it was a planned weekend with my girls and I hadn’t seen THEM in 4 months.
Pastor Tim talked about our decisions yesterday and how they shape our lives. Not every decision is good or bad. They stick with you though and you remember them when you are stuck. Really, sometimes you just get stuck in a place – not necessarily a physical place – so you grow the best you can in the spot you’re in. That reflective waiting space is where you sit and figure things out. Like relationships that change and aren’t ideal… my friend said someone told her to grow thicker skin. Point on!
Please understand it’s not about a house… I love my house. It’s the rest of life that is difficult.
A year ago, I heard how I needed to change how I look at things – I was saying there is no longer any marriage relationship, but that wasn’t true. I have ‘relationship with anyone my life touches on a daily basis. It’s not the loving one that was there, but I have input on whether the day is pleasant or not, and even though thinking of it makes me cry, I can survive where I’m stuck.
Today life is ok. I plant flowers, herbs, I’m growing things, I hope I am growing friendships. I am able to knit which I love, and I have the Bible and any book I want practically, read to me. My eyesight sucks but the cataracts aren’t bad enough to fix yet. I can use these dollar store reading glasses and manage a while longer 😀 I just wrestled Scotty down and had to get Steve to help. That is a 2-way battle. Steve cries and Scotty screams. We got his nails cut back just enough.
See? There is another decision that things have interfered with – $300 each time to put him under is impossible so he suffers and we feel bad. I hurt and have to keep my cool or I’ll yell at both of them through MY pain. A full hour, two bleeds, and 4 meltdowns later, we’re done. Pray God I can walk when I need to – right now, it ain’t happening… feet are up and back is clinched. I look at this sweet little face and can’t imagine life without him so what do you do? Wait a while and do it again… It’s all in the decisions. When we chose him, we had enough. I was working and Steve was working and stroke life was not even hinted at.
Life happens… in spite of our best-made decisions sometimes things mess up. Try to choose well and do your best each day and stay in the present as much as possible. We need to realize that as much as we think we are responsible, God’s got it all and His plans are the ones that count. What keeps me going and singing and praising and holding onto my ‘peace of mind’ is knowing that if I keep my steps ordered – all things will magnify Him in the end.
Green Jean Granny 