Green Jean Granny

Hubby got off to his trivia tournament without one word from me about ms mandy. I’m so proud of myself. They are not playing on the same team and he’s running late – storm coming tonight so he’ll feel the push for home… We’ve been doing good. Sports and trivia together and I’m still tending me as well as him. I do have to say I hope she doesn’t say she’s coming to meet the guys for trivia while I’m away in Virginia. I’m trying to not worry since everything else is ok –

I fought moving back into the trivia contest scene, tooth and nail. I was angry. I felt like the world had thrown me away and there was nothing for me except to hunker down and save myself. In that mindset, I released my husband and he was going off to do something he loves alone. The kick in the ass was when I found an email to a woman trivia friend – he told her how beautiful she was inside and out and how her presence brings such good energy. He gave her tickets we won and planned to meet her to play trivia by bumming a ride with someone – he would have snuck to be with this woman and play trivia. It knocked me off my ass like nothing else ever could.

I know our life together has been hard. Bad things, too many of my kids, the separation from his kids, deaths in his family, now unemployment – he said I push my way into things where I don’t belong and to be with me, he knows he has to deal with it because it’s how I am. OUCH.

I found myself checking his email and his facebook looking in his sent file and trash – the woman never responds even to his courtesies. I know it’s innocent. It still hurts me. He brushes it off to me making too big a deal about it. He’s here. He loves me. We have sex wonderfully. I can go with him to play trivia. I can’t, however, play in the tournaments because there is only room for 6 team members and I gave up my spot – the tournaments are where he will see her. That is hard for me to know.

We still have no money. We still need so much. I don’t know what will change this year, except that I will change this year. I am not giving up my husband. I have the ability to not be an idiot and to not throw a fit over this woman who is only a threat because I made her one. I told Steve how I felt knowing he’d sneak to play trivia with her. I told him I snuck into his email account and asked him to change his password. He hasn’t – but I haven’t gone back into his account either.

It’s a rough spot – but with trivia and sex, has come renewed conversation. I have high hopes that we will get through this. My back is actually better and getting outside is good for me. My son is going to be a man just like his daddy and while that’s not perfect, it sure isn’t bad.

I have to leave for 3 weeks to help my daughter after her baby is born. It’s a long time when things are just straightening out. I have to trust my guys will be ok without me as I help my daughter and new grandson adjust into their relationship as mother and son. 3 weeks…I don’t want to leave home for that long. Life is something, ain’t it?

In this strange economic situation, recovery has taken on another dimension. Not only must our finances recover, but our relationships. After 2 yrs of 24/7, depression, denial, and frustration, husbands and wives need a road to recovery.

I almost left my husband in September but the universe decided it was NOT my road to take and an insurmountable problem appeared in the path. Today, 3 1/2 months later, I am so grateful. I love my husband. We are working on us even though no job has manifest yet. I think we are gonna be ok.

So pondering health has made me look at many things as this year ends. Marriage health has taken priority as I realized it isn’t any better than my physical health. the core aspects are suffering in both areas. I’ve adjusted MY SLEEP to accommodate sex which is necessary for the marriage. My core muscles are so out of shape – I have extreme pain in my lower back just trying to sleep – now add sex and I’m worried about being able to walk. The lack of sleep, however, has brought on another worry; heart palpitations. they lasted for so long last night it scared me. So I’m adjusting my caffeine intake, switching to tea, cutting caffeine. Steve has developed bronchitis. Outside cutting wood, no coat; now he’s sick. I have some mullein for a tea for him, but not enough. Oh man, what are we doing to ourselves trying to keep a normal life; a not old life? SIGH… I guess we need to figure out if we are ok and can exercise and we need to add cardio to our walking stints. I wish I liked it. I like my husband. I like sex. I like being able to stand and walk and sleep. What’s my problem? Everything hurts. I’m 50. I’m gonna make an awful old person.