Green Jean Granny

Steve called at about 5:30 to give me bad news. He was stranded again. The truck had given out for the 14th time I think. I listened to him tell me where he was, how lucky he’d been to have recognized what was happening, and how he’d gotten onto a side street before the power gave out completely. He was just letting me know before he called the tow truck. I told him how sorry I was AGAIN, how I wished I could help, and asked him to let me know when he was home and safe.

An hour later he called me. The tow truck driver had let him off on a cross street and he’d walked home. He’s getting to be very friendly with this young man who comes so often. I listened to hubby complain about how incompetent the mechanic has become and how he doesn’t understand why he can’t fix the truck completely. He then moved on to how depressed and alone he is and how he just wants to get it all over with and die. I almost screamed at him I got so mad. I’m so tired of hearing how he wants to die. He scared me a bit ago with that talk and then almost 3 days of ignoring my calls – I called his brother to check on him because I didn’t know if he was ok or not. I told him to stop it. He had a full night sleep ahead which his body needed – a new morning was coming with new chances of things going right and a new slate to do his best on. If he died G and I would still need to situate the cats and get the household items and worry with settling things in GA AND we’d have the sad example of a suicide for yet another generation of Paschal’s. I told him I’m sick of hearing how he wants to die. Honestly I understand. But if he doesn’t start PUSHING forward instead of waiting while things happen to him, I don’t know how he’ll ever get here.

I KNOW this hasn’t worked out how we planned but it’s no one’s fault. It’s just time and chance. We could have chosen several things to do with the disability money and we decided to move from an increasingly bad area – to buy a house and rid ourselves of house payments. We thought we could rent the GA house for income to add to my disability and his pension, and have enough to make it. We also chose North Carolina; even Rocky Mount. We chose it together whether he likes to admit it or not. I really want to shake him. Maybe he won’t get the best deal on a car since he’s choosing one while stranded in the living room – but his brother has said he’ll help him get another. Problem is, it’s gonna take time and he’s stranded AGAIN. Don will probably help him catch the house payments up too which Steve will wait till the last second to ask for. His pride is a tiring burden for me to help him bear. I  need him to lay it down. He’s either got to lay it down, or he will loose everything.

Sometimes I wonder if he’s going to give up and not come here. His new “understanding” is that it will be in the new year before he can get here. Well it’s not MY understanding. I’m going to figure out how to rent a van and get what I can and at least my inside kitties. I need a lawn mower and hedge trimmer and my big glazed pots and my boxes of books and my kitchen chairs. I want my husband here. How many ways can I say it? His stress is not just his. I am trying my best not to complain. If he doesn’t ask for help, he’ll have to come here with nothing. I can live with that. I hope he can too. I WANT him to get through this. I want us to be important enough to him that he will do whatever it takes to succeed.

And there’s the gramma voice – want in one hand, spit in the other and see which gets filled the fastest. Yep, it’s another day.

I called him this morning to check in and he fought crying. He’s in such a bad place, shame on me for getting mad at him. He’s stuck – literally. He doesn’t have a car. He doesn’t have a physical ride to any place. He’s 60 f-ing yrs old and hurting. He’s not got a fridge. He can’t work without the car and he’s flat broke. And here I am wanting to include him in our lives when his own is all he can manage. Just shit. Smile on, right? It will get better, right? I fucking miss him and he can’t even talk to me.

We’ve had about $300 a month for groceries since we got here. I can do that for 2 of us. This month tho, the utility bill was $645. The City said it was because I used my ac and water wrong. No help really, just suggestions which I brought home and put into practice. They made mistakes on the bill for this next month. The water and trash only came to $120, they added $18 instead of crediting it, and didn’t charge me for electric. OK. I am being mailed a new corrected bill. I think it will be back where I expected it to be when it comes. Because of the jump in this one bill, I had to apply for food stamps. I thought it would cover the groceries since it says we could make 1900 for 2 people and get 357, and all we have is 1000. They approved us for $86 a month and G will be taken off once he starts college. Big sigh. This is going to start becoming a huge challenge SOON. I need firewood and blankets. I will also be implementing a no meat diet. I’ve been leaning that way anyhow but not G. I need to figure out a way to do this and be healthy. We have to use what we have and not overdo the flour. So I’m gonna start using this blog to keep track of recipes and the change over to vegetarianism. OOOHHH….what a big scary word. We’ll still use eggs and dairy.

I went on errands with Ms Linda this morning for a ride to the utility office. The clerk was very helpful in pointing out what I’d done wrong and why my bill was higher. She knocked $18 off for now. It became clear we definitely need a flush kit! That running toilet is why we paid all that money for the month we didn’t live here. I’m also messing myself up by turning off the ac in the daytime, and turning it back on at night. We’ve been without central air/heat for so long I didn’t realize I was eating up the juice. It’s not gonna help this bill, but she promises if I do what she told me, it will definitely be better in the future.

My neighbor is a sweet lady and she wants to help. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I can’t let the help be in the form of soda and snack food for us. She wants to take me to the movies with her and I need to make myself differentiate between a developing friendship and letting her do too much. When she asked if I could mend her husband’s sofa cushions for the garage furniture, I said yes. Of course I can. I may have a niche using my sewing machine in this area if my back can handle it. I don’t have supplies to speak of these days, but that can be part of the cost. It will get better. I am definitely going to crochet with plastic bags – had a super idea for using them. I will just start being really careful with things and wasting nothing, to an even greater degree than we’ve done in the past. There are opportunities for actually supporting myself with many of the things I can do.

Anyway. Things are looking good if I can get past this money glitch. Gotta get the hubby up here!

So I’ve been alone for quite a while now except for the people across the street. Sometimes I think I will go insane. Even though I can discuss it, I can’t go to church. It’s just not me.

G has informed me he has a girlfriend and he animates when he talks about her. She’s a young lady who has a damaged mother. <cringe> and who’s life goals include becoming a missionary and living in Colorado. I tried to explain to him that while right now she may not object to his being a non-believer, when it comes right down to it, a christian will choose their God over their boyfriend. They have to because that’s what the Bible says. He doesn’t hear me and I stopped talking about it. I told him he has to know the Bible to have informed conversation with this girl. Otherwise, he takes her word for things and can’t have his own thoughts. So that is where we are right now. I had the no sexting conversation (her 18th bd is in Sept) and he’s shown me her picture and I know her name and some of what her mother is doing. He’s also calling her things like honey and darling in his texts (which he tried to scroll away from me seeing). She’s Mexican descent and he has no idea what denomination she is. She’s in Texas and a Junior in Hi-school. I figure Spanish will be the next language he learns and her being in Texas provides the best protection. Is this still considered child-rearing? It sure feels like it. I remember when I needed direction, but wasn’t really interested in anyone who set him/herself up as a teacher on a pagan site or in any religious.way. How many times have I said we all work out our own path/magic/salvation… and we are responsible for whatever we embrace. He certainly picked up THAT belief.  It’s a pretty simple fact and he gets it. I can offer what I know to another person if they ask, but anything more is too much. It was a fine thing to move past having to explain oneself. G’s explaining but that’s not as big as the rescue factor she’s tapped into with him. As I watch, I’m a little relieved it’s her mom’s choices at issue and he can encourage M with her school work and keeping her grades good.

I’m always thankful for my friends online. I often feel ‘like’ minds converging for lack of a better word 🙂 and our magick moving in the same direction. Magick is a BIG word. I think it might be the biggest word I know. We all are so fluid in our lives – changes happen constantly. Right now, I have the opportunity to focus on myself. I’m settled in and setting my routine. I’m thinking about my magick and how to manifest the rest of my circumstances coming together. I need my husband here. I have to DO something to help. It can’t be a ‘paid’ job – So something else… I charged water and crystals last night – between now and the Equinox, I’ll have a better handle on it. He is working again and I can’t even hint that he waited too long to reclaim his job. It’s past. I’m not there. He’s struggling, and he doesn’t want anything but support from me. I get it. He NOW thinks we should have waited, fixed that house up, then bought another house. That’s not what we chose either, so staying in the present is very important to both of us.

Anyway…that’s what’s up with me right now. Things are going ok. G’s school plan is college in January. Steve plans to be here by the end of September. And I hope to have enough yarn soon too make a shawl. Goals are good, right? ❤

Night after night, my sleep is disturbed. I’m not comfortable without Steve here with me.

This morning, as I do every morning, I greet the sun and say my Thank yous in the early morning light.

I am comfortable enough with my surroundings now to do things as they need doing rather than doing things because I need to learn new patterns. I don’t need a light to find things anymore. I am so satisfied with this new place. I know it is the decision I needed to make.

G has his ID now and is registered to vote. College will begin in January for him with a goal of finishing at North Carolina at Chapel Hill. He’s good with that and his career path will advance as he has planned. He’s learning lessons like by not doing the job in the way he’s asked, it creates more work he’d rather not be faced with; specifically maggots in unrinsed, recycled cans. He’s not happy with me this morning. lol

I pulled out my cards this morning. Goddess Tarot, Goddess Guidance Oracle, and my runes. Basically, each reading tells me the same thing. My husband is baring the brunt of the work and feels stuck and needs encouragement. The beginning and ending cards and runes are all positive – it will happen, be patient, it’s right. I don’t use these tools to guide my life, but rather to look at the current situation. It helps to open up the facets and understand how to maneuver. I’m not helpless where his work is concerned even though we are apart. He needs me to reminisce with him and talk about the future and hold him up in his efforts. He’s struggling. He misses us. He needs us. I need to sacrifice to help get him here. Once he’s here, THEN things will ease up and flourish.

I get it.

A hawk came to visit last night and that’s a wonderful sign.

We jerry-rigged the fence yesterday evening so the dogs can go outside, off leash, with supervision. It will make walking them so much easier. G and I weren’t able to put up the fence panels like the adult men could have, but we got nails in them and blocked them sufficiently enough that they aren’t going to come down until taken down.

So my routine is this –

Thank yous into the Universe and a quick count of my blessings. Shower, dress, make the bed, let the dogs out. I start coffee when they come inside. I water the plants, feed the birds, pick up the little out of order things that belong to the dogs, Then I check out the Internet and the local news. By then, G gets up and I make us breakfast. I wait for Steve’s call, read a bit, check what I need to lay out for dinner, About every 4th day, I do a load of laundry. I wash dishes by hand a couple times a day and make myself wash them as my last job of the day. I keep myself busy with classes online at coursera.com and craftsy.com. I also watch a lot of Netflix and http://www.Tardisblue.net. I deliberately don’t go to stores so I don’t spend money. I sit outside a lot and I knit.

Not hurting particularly, just can’t sleep.

Last time I couldn’t sleep, I was worrying over not having the money to get Steve here. This time I’m worrying over what to do with G. shit. 4am is early. Rolling around inside my head are (my) student loans and how I think we have to go get G an ID. He can’t drive yet, and his Student ID is about to expire. He won’t leave the house and barely leaves his room. This is not bad parenting or bad kid. This is Aspergers. He did agree to go to the library with me so that’s a start. I want to send him off to college nearer to home than Indiana. Here are my thoughts…

He’s planning on going in the winter/spring session. We get him an ID and head to the unemployment office. He needs to see what is available in this area. He can start looking for a first job. Hardee’s, waiting tables, lawncare helper, whatever, just to get a feel for working. We pick up a driver’s manual so he can read it and study for his permit. We take the city bus a time or two so he sees what that is like. I need to figure out how to set up a first time resume, too. I’m gonna take him to the community college, too, so he can look at what they have to offer to get him started.

I am so sorry I don’t know how to do the set-up for a serious college experience. He qualifies for about 15K in financial aid and will need the rest in loans. I don’t know how to set those up either. Now I know why my family had so many barbers and beauticians in it over the generations.  And this concludes the morning matinee in my head 🙂

It’s now the end of July and things went a bit wonky before they straightened out. WE BOUGHT THE HOUSE!

We got moved for the most part – important things like guitar, books, cats and hubby still aren’t here. We’ve run out of money too and I’m not sure how we will manage to get them here. I’m just putting it out into the Universe that it needs doing and hoping hubby will get ticked off enough trying to sub for the newspaper that he’ll get a job and get serious about coming. He can sell household stuff if he wants too. He can sell the Buick. He has utilities coming due and a house payment and he has to work. He should have handled this immediately but he’s a last minute kinda guy. I could rent him a storage unit so he can clear out faster and rent the house. I think I’ll offer that the next time we talk.

The fence isn’t finished here in Rocky Mount. It’s time to get G situated for college. It’s also amazingly wonderful being here. The dogs are happy and I’m happy. G seems happy and is looking at ads for work. We’ll figure out how to get him driving as soon as possible. That will help him a lot.

I’m walking, eating better, gardening, knitting, and doing my own housework. Strides! Still dealing with pain but only taking 800mg of Ibuprophen 2x a day. Yesterday, at the store, I was hit with anxiety – I was lost. Couldn’t find the card machine, was almost hit by a car in the parking lot. I was so fuzzy I’m sure it was my fault. I’m ok as long as I’m home, mostly.

My youngest daughter is now a college student. I am SO VERY PROUD of her! She begins in August at Perimeter College in Atlanta. Go baby girl! Fly!

A whole month has passed and after canceling the purchase on the house, the people pulled their stuff together and we got a call saying we could have the house. They messed us around and cost us extra money in so many ways – I had to repay the utility deposit and spent $100 on utilities when I didn’t even live there. The rates on the house insurance went up. I quit working a month too early. We spent money on 2 more house hunting trips, car rentals, gas… I have just enough money to build the fence and rent a truck. It’s a good thing the house doesn’t need anything except some paint touch up. I swear if there had been something else decent in cheap houses we’d of bought something else – BUT —– it was the best house and I loved it from the first time we walked inside. Through all the crap, this house has been in my head and I knew it was ours.

I have a house. I’m living out of boxes. I feel grumpy and I hurt. My fibro has flared. But I can’t wait to make this change. It’s going to be good not to have a house payment. We have to get everything situated to rent this GA house, but it’s really going to be good.

Steve is going to face some change. He’s working the last day of his notice today for the newspaper. He has to get this job situation figured out fast. Honestly, I could walk away from here and never look back. I wish he’d just walk away but I know he won’t. So he’ll have to find work, fix this house, finish cleaning it out (his hoarder shit still happens) and bring the cats. I think I should take the inside cats up when we go on the 6th and that leaves him the outside males to try to either rehome or bring. Ruby and Patches need to come at the very least.

And then there is Geoffrey. He’s decided to put college off for one semester. He’s worried he isn’t ready emotionally. He needs a job, too. We’ll get this move handled then figure out loans for him. And get some counseling on what to do. I want to take him to UNC at Chapel Hill and let him visit Indiana-Bloomington too. He needs to make a choice and we’ll go for it when he decides.

So that’s where I am right now with things. I have personal plans for diet changes and walking and setting up my alter. There is a UUChurch just a couple blocks from the house and I’m trying to talk myself into getting involved and maybe making some friends. I could use some real life people to visit with from time to time. We will need to meet and play nice with our neighbors so we can avoid problems with our animals. Right now, the plan is NOT to get permits – simply make sure they are current on shots and keep them inside the house and fence.

I’ve been making myself a sweater. I’m about to start the sleeves and then I’ll be done. And I guess that’s it for now.

Adult family infighting just popped my house buying attempt.

Still no signed papers. We have decided that if it doesn’t happen this week, we will move on and find another house. After days of not sleeping, not breathing, waiting, hoping, fighting negatives from non-action, living from boxes because we were supposed to move this weekend – spending money on a house that isn’t ours yet – I am about to move forward and try again.