nevermind what it was…I was saved from giving the words life.
I’ve fought these damned tears for days and days. BOA has said NO again. I’ve been angry at Steve. He wants me to get disability. I don’t want to be disabled. I want to work! There are no jobs. He has yelled at me in the last few days because I haven’t found a job. I hit him with 800 applications vs his 52 and i got so mad I couldn’t breathe. He knows I’m mad too. He’s tried to make up and be loving and I’m not feeling it. I am really angry at him.
The medicine seems to be helping but I’m sleepier.
I haven’t wanted to knit or watch tv or do a single goddammned thing. I’m not eating yet putting on weight and not able walk much and I look like a freaking zombie when I do. My hands jerk and catch the keys on the keyboard and I am typing oddly.
I’m mad too because my covenspace mirror blog on multiply.com disappeared without notice and I didn’t get to save it. I lost Kelly’s vows to Vanessa. I am so upset over it. It’s gone again. SHIT. You’d think I’d learn. At least I had the dates on this one for when I worked at GNC for the SSI office.
I really want to find something happy and I’m just having such a hard time. I’m trying. I colored pictures for Isaac last night. I hope to get to skype with the boys – I may have lost my chance because my memory’s shot. I was trying to sort tax papers when Kayla called me and I said no. I forgot Vanessa was there. I could cry again. Just shoot me.
so here I am, no real time friends. messed up and trying not to give in to the weepies forever. Kay’s not gonna keep paying for my phone line. Steve has the free govt phone and uses all the minutes on it every month. All I will have is skype. I can’t afford the money to start up service with anyone. I sound like a fucking baby.
GA went from 50’s to 80’s – no middle ground. I lost my seeds, I can’t plant the things I need because I’m also out of food stamps. That’s enough. I’m hurting in my mind, my body, and my emotions. If someone called me, they wouldn’t know it because i pretend it all away. I broke a nail. I pee on myself when I stand up. Everything pops.
Green Jean Granny 
Im sorry I missed your call today lovey, I was at the beach getting one good last sand in between the toes visit. I know, that doesnt make you feel better. Im glad you let the anger out, even if it was at steve, goddess knows you ingest his anger all the time. I wish I could get you a line on our plan, I will check into it once we get moved. Howmuch longer will you have service with kay?
I’d of smiled and wanted all the news about your house… which I still want 🙂 I do this shit to myself. Steve pushes people to their breaking pionts and I’m just stronger than most. Geoffrey said I just know how strong I am and isn’t that a good thing? I’ve still not broken. I’m just kinda sick. I guess. I also didn’t mean this for you to bail me out with the phone. I’ll live. I’ll just not have the ability to call out. without a phone, it won’t matter anyway. I’ll have it till the next billing cycle starts which will be the ninth. My business cards and everything all have this number on them. I don’t mean to be angry but their timing just sucks. Anyway. I’m ok…right…if you get bored though, the damned phone works for a little while.
Bail you out, my ass. You need a phone, woman. Im sorry but I think kay is making a mistake, and doesnt realize it yet. I am all yours if you want to call today, after 8am…<3