It’s July 2nd. Steve has not called the paper or gone out to check on a job. I’ve brought it up over and over. He says he’ll do it but doesn’t. He seems to think the money will magically appear for the house payment for the Home modification amount. I was told and paperwork says, make sure it gets there before July 1st. He says he was told he just has to get it there by the late payment date. His brother is leaving for 8-10 days on vacation NOW. So his money he could earn is gone.

I said if he let this opportunity pass by, I was leaving. I guess he thinks I lie. I don’t say things I don’t mean. I would have to tap Vanessa for the money. I’d need 300$ to fix my car – and I’d need a trailer/truck to move my things and the only place I have to go is Melissa’s. (Now dammit I know you read my blog – I just have to talk, so don’t let this upset you – I will probably figure something else out) Taryn has an apt but that won’t work with the dogs and the cats; plus she has a room mate. I don’t really know what to do about the cats – G loves Arrow so 1 cat and 2 dogs. It might be cheaper to buy a used camper to live in so we have a place to go to, to give whoever we go to, a break from us. Plus I could pack it with my things and go that way. I know Melissa has a bedroom, but I’d rather let G have it if that’s what we end up doing. I just don’t know what to do. Steve will probably pull this out his ass like he always does though I can’t see it. V texted me about the house payment. I couldn’t talk to her right then. Just told her Steve didn’t have it.

I’ve made excuses for Steve like I used to make for Greg. I guess I feel like there are extenuating things, like the bad tires, the starter that’s going out, the clothes that look like shit, the internal clock that only functions at night. What am I doing? I can’t find work either, but he told me to stop looking and focus on trying to get the disability. I’d be surprised if they give it to me, even though I am in pain all the time. Lots of people work with bad backs, arthritis, fibromyalgia. I left Greg when he started really hurting our kids and asking me to lie for him. Steve doesn’t hit, but some of the things he does drive me nuts. Last night, the cat was asleep with him on the chair and Rory walked to the back door to ask to go outside. Tink startled, scratching Steve – I guess her claw caught his lip, no blood. He jumped up screaming saying how he was going to kill the cat. He threw his hat, jumped up and down and up and down, and up and down screaming goddammit, goddammit, goddammit, goddammit, mutherfucker, etc. It totally took me by surprise. You can’t offer sympathy to someone acting like that screaming at the top of their lungs. They drown you out so you sit there thinking shut up asshole. I sometimes wish I’d taken G away years ago so he would have never seen that example in his life. He doesn’t act like that even at his bad moments, but it’s imprinted, and I know it.

I was too sick to go to the Food Stamp office and they closed our account. I have to get to their office with my paperwork so they will reinstate it for July. Such a load of crap. I got Don and Sam to write letters saying what we get paid so we can get our foodstamps. It’s always something. You report anything and they cut you off totally. Luckily the Medicaid continues.

What else? I guess I’ll wait a few days and start packing. Unless Steve borrows money from his brother to set us up someplace else, I think the house is going to be gone. I can’t see them giving him the whole 3 months of the trial period, but who the hell knows?