Unemployed again, but there is a plan. Stuff to put on ebay and Etsy. House to clean, a landscape company to call…
Breathing deeply as every bill hits the 2 month back mark. Money to pay one water, one gas and electric, and one Internet pmt. Hopefully that will be enough for now. There are help wanted signs popping up all over the place but they won’t take face to face applications. Filing online for jobs makes it impersonal and hard to get feedback from.
Say a prayer for us.
Steve’s out working on the cars…we have thaw! I have thouroughly enjoyed the last 2 days! Next week, rain; storms and tornados?… lol I’m ready for it! Now there is brisket in the crock pot and hot tea in my mug – only a little bit of housebound time left.
I haven’t written here in a long time. I’m feeling normalacy come back to things. Balance…
I’m replacing things I’ve lost and left since there is no promise of getting them back. I’ve saved for and ordered a new/refurbished Brother sewing machine. I’ve ordered a yarn bowl and Steve has been very kind and gentle about things getting replaced. If I can, of course I will go get my posessions from Kayla, but since she has cut me off, I just don’t know what will ever come back to me. It hurts that my safe place wasn’t safe after all, but I came home knowing Steve loves me – that makes everything worthwhile.
I think that I had held on for so long that my ‘will’ gave out. I couldn’t do anything but run away. Fight or flight, right? I left with every fiber of my intention certain that the decision would NEVER be undone. Lock, stock, and barrel as the saying goes.
Then my husband made sure I knew he wanted me for always. It makes it all worth it really. Coming from where I do, I never believed anyone loved me. Not my parents or siblings or husband. Not friends either. We got married because there was Geoffrey and because I insisted. He does things because others push and that took ME out of the equation somehow. When my weaknesses are exposed, people leave me and I fear it, always. Maybe that’s how it is for everyone. Insecurity bites.
Then this damned unemployment – 5 yrs of it. It about ripped us apart. And now it’s over. Newspaper jobs again. Me, service; Steve, routes. I never thought I’d throw a route again. But after being let go from service, there is no choice. The food stamps didn’t come through this month, medicade was cancelled. We will get it straightened out I imagine, but it’s rough right now… how can I be ok? I ask myself sometimes how we will make it. But one thing is clear … coming home was the right decision.
20 yrs into this marriage and I finally get it – my husband loves me. I have loved him since I met him. I could not be without him. All he’s ever had to do was touch me or look at me and I melt. I love him. He said to me “Have the courage to love me, with all my flaws, and come home.” And I did. It’s a complicated web we weave, this life. Nothing is sure but change.
I’m home and our lives will march on. People still say to me “I thought you moved away” and it jerks me back into thinking about it. Missing some little thing that I realize is in Virginia jerks me back to it as well. I rethink how I got here and how lucky I am not to have lost the most important piece of me – I would have lived in regret all my life. Instead, I feel older and secure. I could shout it from the rooftop – MY HUSBAND LOVES ME. And I love him. And life goes on… there will be US after Geoffrey has grown and gone and THAT makes me feel secure.
OK- I think this is hashed out and my blog can just go on and be my blog…
Sometimes things stay constant. Like my kids. Like my outlook. Like life in general… I was told I could see Isaac and Declan because kayla is mature enough to handle her feelings about me. Well, I thought about it and decided that’s not good enough. I love her and those babies so much it hurts like crazy not to have contact with them and to only be thrown a crumb is degrading. If I accept this on these terms, I accept her using them to control me and keep me quiet and biting my tongue for the rest of my life. So guess what. I am not going to see them on these terms. If I do, they will just learn to disrespect me too and that is no kind of relationship. I will not live the rest of my life being cursed and ‘blocked’ and controled through anger. I am so sorry my precious little grandsons are in the middle. I love them so much and if Kayla calls or emails to arrange for her and me to get together for them, of course I will go – but I will not go where they are, to be ignored by their mother and father – that is not something I can do. I know myself and I will cry and I won’t be able to keep myself pulled together. So I won’t do that to them or me. I will not give anyone permission to make me feel less than I am. NOT EVEN MY OWN DAUGHTER.
Today I was thinking about moving forward – first, I have to say something to my family and friends. During what I thought was my life’s “have to do this” moment, I hurt people I love. Sacrifice’s were made for me that were big sacrifices. I know that deep in my heart and it humbles me. What I chose was no small thing, and what I consequently chose was no small thing. I think when one sets their mind against their heart, the journey has no choice but to lead back to that which the heart knows is correct.
My husband said “Have the guts to love me good and bad.” I owe that to him, and to my children – having the guts to love them, good and bad. I was afraid. I don’t know how else to put it. I thought rock bottom was going to smash us and I was terrified. I paniced. I keep asking myself how did I forget so many things I should have known? What was wrong was to run and hurt my family. What was wrong was to think I had control over teaching another person their life lessons. What was wrong was how my decisions hurt so many people; Vanessa and Kelly and Kayla and Nick and Melissa and Kent and Connie, and Steve and Geoffrey and rippling out, hurt those who love them…
I have things to make up for and to make right. It’s my turn to know what it feels like to need to be forgiven. The balance has been broken between love and forgiveness. For the first time ever in my life, I can really say; I know I am loved. I guess that’s a good thing, but I’m embarrassed as hell to be this old and still have such issues. Life has a funny way of making us look at what we consider the lessons imposed on us by others. The same things I’ve had done to me and hated, are the same things I just put my own family through. that’s hard to look at. I’m really sorry I hurt all of you – it needs saying again. I need to say it again. I’m so sorry.
I think it will be a long time before I can get over feeling awkward about this. My friend Lynne told me I have to use my voice. My voice comes out through my fingers and that’s not good enough. There are so many sobering things this time has brought to light for me. To be able to sleep at night, I have to blame my emotional state on all the medications i’ve been on for pain – now that i’m off of most of them, my head is clearer and I am amazed at how much I can do again. Seve said he was afraid I would die from them. I didn’t know how badly they had affected me. It’s not an excuse, I can’t release responsibility for what I did by blaming it on something besides myself. Hopefully thinking clearly and responsibly will be at the top of my priority list for the rest of my life. It is today. I have to demand respect and give respect where it’s due. No more hiding because I’m caught up in “I can’ts” You know? Job or not, things have to be taken care of and quiting is not an option. I tried to quit and run and I am so thankful Steve didn’t let me go. I’m thankful my daughter didn’t let me off the hook. She let me know I hurt her and her words stung bad and I hope I never put her in that position again. She didn’t deserve what I did to her family – she was dead on right and I was wrong.
Man, the lessons are hard this time. I need to move on but I have to carry these things with me. I can’t go forward and leave anyone I love hanging, wondering if I get the point or understand how what I did was wrong. I used to send my kids to their rooms to think about what they did and why it was wrong. Then they had to come out and tell me what it was and why – now it’s my turn. There’s really no one but me saying “tell me what you did and why it was wrong” but I get it. I really get it.
Now to move on from a position of strength. I am fully aware of what was going on and what others were responsible for and not doing. I am not stupid and I will not be used or abused. I don’t have to pay penance to learn a lesson. I’ll fix what I can and learn what I should, and REMEMBER all of it. I am damned lucky to have so many people in my life to love and who love me. On that note, I’m going to see if I can get some sleep.
I’ve applied for work at Stone Mountain Park, at a local Nursing home, at the newspaper – Steve’s also applied at the paper, at a vending company and we had a yard sale and will do the flea market. I’m working for Bevy online and Don’s still got work for Steve. Sam will have us clean his house on tuesday – work is piecemeal at the moment. we’ll make it. We have to. I’ll apply for a CS job in Buford and at the new PetSmart tomorrow. I have to believe a job will manifest soon. Part time will do – 2 or 3 of them even 🙂
Man it’s expensive to undo a move. You don’t realize all the things that will have to redone and back-tracked. New driver’s license, new tags, kid re-enrolled in high school, insurance changed over, bank address changed back, HOME address forward cancelled, people talked to, groceries bought, clothes put away – and the mess. What a big deal!
We have on the flip side, talked and walked and laughed and cried and cooked together.
Sam texted me. He’d like a cleaning next Tuesday. I have files to load and Steve will head to his brother’s later this morning. We have 7 days of sunshine forcasted, so Saturday we head to the flea market and set up a table. I need to get my butt in gear and help the hubs box what will be taken.
We took G to breakfast yesterday morning and had a family meeting for ideas. So, work hasn’t changed exactly, but we have ideas of what we can do. Paper delivery or inserting is first since it’s available. The flea market is next. My little online job with Bevy is a bird in hand. I think we need to break things down even more – like into dailies –
We have 2 families to payback and their money needs to be taken out like utilities. Don wants his back, and I have to give V&K theirs back even though they didn’t ask. The Internet bill needs paying NOW and the rest will be coming due and are running a month behind. OK so I know what to expect.
The forward looking plan is to build on Paschal Home Services – Steve wants to offer simple home repairs and lawn care to seniors. He needs a website to operate from. OK, I can handle that. He’s wanted to do this for a long time and was developing it while I was gone. We are thinking I will host Triva – I can do that. He’s going to touch base with people he knows and see what I have to do to advance that. He will help as scorekeeper so he can chat generally with people which he’s good at- 🙂 I want to have my plant nursery for herbs which can be done from home and will evolve into an Internet presence as well.
That leaves us paying ourselves 15% ideally, to save towards our goals.
We want that piece of land in North Carolina. It has to have sunshine and a spot for a big garden, road frontage for a STAND, a barn for the cats, and be fenced for the dogs. We have agreed on goats, chickens, a pony if possible, and we’ll short-term foster dogs. The house will be the least important feature as it may be a trailer, a tiny house, or something one storied to fix up.
So here it is in writing. Now to get it moving forward.
Today, I will schedule a nap because I didn’t get much sleep last night. I have to reclaim my kitchen, work on files and the flea market items.
If Steve had been open like this, I’d have never left. He says I’d zoned him out and he couldn’t talk to me and my meds were freaky scary. I’m only on 1 med and an ibuprophen if I need it. I can’t believe how different I feel. (Lynne, the stairs must have helped even though we weren’t there long) I am praying everything – people and circumstances – stay on track and on plan.
Oh, and the biggest thing – we have both cut our hair short. My god my husband is handsome and the combover is GONE!
I am so thankful. Goddess help us and bless us. May we look to you for help and direction. May we work as a team forever forward. Thank you for our friends and family and all the love we have experienced. We know the physical help is gone – we’ve backtracked when everything said don’t. I can’t explain why except the connection is bigger than anything else I’ve ever known in my life. He says the same. We had a fire and he told me it was for cleansing. I didn’t even have to ask.
We are going to make it.
We made a decision and a choice to see this through together. Goddess help us find jobs and get our acts together. No giving in our goals. We want to be in North Carolina in our own place, with a fenced acre and be ready to go when G graduates. There are a lot of things we can forgive without forgetting – as long as the path is maintained.
It’s been quite a day. Steve worked on the cars and chores until 3 this afternoon. He finally took off with 2 car titles. I told him to call me and let me know what happened. He called about 4:30 and said he’d talked to Don and borrowed 240$ for his ticket. He paid $50 on it, and put the rest into my account and le me know we had enough to pay one payment without doing the title pawn and he didn’t talk to Don about the house because it’s not his business. It’s ok to take 274$ from Vanessa in the month and use it for the starter, utilities, and part of the house payment and leave my account at $7. I feel like I’ve turned all the stress inward and have struggled with heart palps all afternoon. I know it’s the stress. I’m also dealing with hot flashes and just started taking evening primrose and black cohosh. People say they help. I sure as hell hope so. He Took tape and glue back to Walmart and was ticked off because I made him buy toilet paper. I swear I am not giving up toilet paper.
At what point do you say enough is enough? How long do you hold on? How fucking bitchy do I dare get? He’s going to Don’s tomorrow to work. I’m sure he’ll work 3 times for free to pay him back. He’ll try to use his pension to buy gas and I am going to throw a fit because that money is tabbed for auto payments he’s made me set up. He is not going to ruin my account. It can’t escape his attention that I am sorting out my stuff. I need to talk to V.
We were headed toward the bank and Tommy, our orange cat hadn’t gotten off the Jimmy. We’d driven a good 500 feet when we heard thud, thud, thud, and Steve started yelling Goddammit, over and over and swerved off the road, jumped out and started running back, looking and calling. We couldn’t find him. I drove back and told Steve we still had to get that payment made before the bank closed. He was all distraught, and as always, it’s all displaced and out of proportion. We got home and the cat was fine, which is what I figured since he jumped.
We drove in silence and when we got to the bank, it was closed. I just turned around without a word and went back to the truck. What was there to say? He wore his shirt inside out. The dog shit in the hall. I still don’t know what to do. He’s telling me about America’s got Talent and listening to the ball game.
I guess I’m going to hang in here as long as possible, box and sort my things and pare them down and get ready. For some reason, I think things are going to bottom out really quickly. If I can’t rent the truck I need, People I know come back and forth between here and VA all the time. I’ll either rent a storage, or take Taryn up on storing stuff in her extra room and moving it up a load at a time. I’ve got a lot of memories to just leave them if I don’t have to. We’ll see what happens. Maybe the disability will come through and I’ll have all the money I need to make a move. That’s what I’m hoping for. If it doesn’t work out, the girls can have what they want.
Also, 3 more cats have been dumped here. I swear I’m going to ignore them. Steve’s cussing and feeding them.
He’s got tomorrow to get that payment made. If making it electronically will be fast enough.
omg…I asked Steve if we could talk before G got up. He said ok then barely said a sentence. I told him I can’t do this any more. Month after month worry like this. One part-time job would save our house and pay our utilities. I could be poor. But poor and almost homeless are two different things. I told him that G and I have talked and G doesn’t understand how he can wait till 3pm to leave to make money when he knows we need it so bad. Even our kid is smarter than that. I told him how the pain dr wants me to go to a psychologist so I have soneone to talk to because she thinks this is so tied into my illness. I told him I have someplace to go and I am really tired. He didn’t say another thing. The only thing he did say was that he’d talk to Don and see if he could borrow some money. It’s not too late to have the money overnighted. He deliberately waits till the last moment. I told him to borrow the money to fix my car because I’m not sitting here with no way to leave any more. I didn’t over react or get loud. I told him I think he passive-aggressively is telling me he quits. My tears rolled for a few minutes, then G came downstairs and all was over as usual. No words from Steve.
I’m going up to take a bath. Then I’ll clean the kitchen. I am making a list of what I’m moving with. Loosing us has never been an incentive in any way. I want a life. I can come back for my disability court date.
You can’t fight with someone who never speaks. And really, I’ve fought enough in my head to need to do it out loud. I could wait a month if he does borrow the money. He’d have a little time to get a job while I wait for the disability. Shit…I have to have money. It’s just a big fucking circle.
When it rains it pours. Things are going to come crashing down on Steve very soon. He’s acted like he can just sit here and do nothing for so long. I know we haven’t had any money, and the tire went flat, then the starter failed. The old ticket he’s been trying to make payments on has called it all due and says if he doesn’t pay it by the 29th, he’ll be arrested. I swear i wish I knew what to do for him, but I didn’t choose to take money from my daughter who he hates, who is newly pregnant, when he has a brother with over a million dollers. I’ll let V help me move, but not funnel money into this household when Steve doesn’t care enough to funnel it in. I feel like a broken record. For a long time I let this go because there really weren’t jobs out there. I know I looked and looked and the last job I had was with the dentist and even that was under the table and sporadic and at the Dr’s whim. If BOA speeds things up, we could be out right away. If not, we had a 3 month trial period for the home modification but the second payment for that is due on the first. The electric and gas are delayed to the 28th. I’m kind of holding my breath as to what I should do.
I was going back through some old writings and remembering how I felt like I was complaining back when I posted about the shed and the crap he moved into the living room. How when I tried to move things out to get rid of, he’d move it back in, or put it into the shed, or into the trunk of a car. I used to keep the deck so pretty and he’d pile that shed junk out under the porch and it killed my want to. He said he had to waterproof the deck, moved my plants into the yard, they died from the heat, he didn’t complete his project, and I couldn’t replace my plants. I’ve felt like he took over everthing I cared about and took it from me. if he didn’t take it over, he complained how he didn’t like it. Sometimes it would be a year or two later when it suprised me from out of nowhere and made me cry. He didn’t really say no in the moment, but I stopped caring about things because fighting him took too much out of me especially after I started getting sick. I probably would have given up a long time ago except for Jackie and Geoffrey. The grandbabies started coming and there was my knitting. I keep myself busy with these things and they center me. I’ve enjoyed Rory so much. His antics and Jackie’s getting used to him make me laugh. Steve spends his days upstairs so he doesn’t bother me too much. I don’t go to trivia anymore. We watch a little tv together. I can miss us if I let myself think about it. We could have had a really good life.
oh, Sam has cut back on our cleaning to once a month.
Green Jean Granny 