Green Jean Granny

When it rains it pours. Things are going to come crashing down on Steve very soon. He’s acted like he can just sit here and do nothing for so long. I know we haven’t had any money, and the tire went flat, then the starter failed. The old ticket he’s been trying to make payments on has called it all due and says if he doesn’t pay it by the 29th, he’ll be arrested. I swear i wish I knew what to do for him, but I didn’t choose to take money from my daughter who he hates, who is newly pregnant, when he has a brother with over a million dollers. I’ll let V help me move, but not funnel money into this household when Steve doesn’t care enough to funnel it in. I feel like a broken record. For a long time I let this go because there really weren’t jobs out there. I know I looked and looked and the last job I had was with the dentist and even that was under the table and sporadic and at the Dr’s whim. If BOA speeds things up, we could be out right away. If not, we had a 3 month trial period for the home modification but the second payment for that is due on the first. The electric and gas are delayed to the 28th. I’m kind of holding my breath as to what I should do.

I was going back through some old writings and remembering how I felt like I was complaining back when I posted about the shed and the crap he moved into the living room. How when I tried to move things out to get rid of, he’d move it back in, or put it into the shed, or into the trunk of a car. I used to keep the deck so pretty and he’d pile that shed junk out under the porch and it killed my want to. He said he had to waterproof the deck, moved my plants into the yard, they died from the heat, he didn’t complete his project, and I couldn’t replace my plants. I’ve felt like he took over everthing I cared about and took it from me. if he didn’t take it over, he complained how he didn’t like it. Sometimes it would be a year or two later when it suprised me from out of nowhere and made me cry. He didn’t really say no in the moment, but I stopped caring about things because fighting him took too much out of me especially after I started getting sick. I probably would have given up a long time ago except for Jackie and Geoffrey. The grandbabies started coming and there was my knitting. I keep myself busy with these things and they center me. I’ve enjoyed Rory so much. His antics and Jackie’s getting used to him make me laugh. Steve spends his days upstairs so he doesn’t bother me too much. I don’t go to trivia anymore. We watch a little tv together. I can miss us if I let myself think about it. We could have had a really good life.

oh, Sam has cut back on our cleaning to once a month.

found the right case worker at the Family services office! She fixed our food stamps! They should reload in 24-48 hours! OMG finally. A blessing.

So I asked Steve for a small jar of Pizza sauce, butter and 2 cans of dog food. He wanders Kroger for an hour and a half and comes home with doughnut holes, 6 pks budig meats, 4 ramen noodle cups, pop tarts, tortilla chips, soda, 3 pks muffin mix, butter, bread, half and half, eggs, dog food, trash bags and pizza sauce. He spent $33 including $10 gas. He made $80. I can’t get the house off my mind. It’s almost too late to mail the payment. I guess he’s just gonna throw his hands up and say oh well.

I talked to G about my feelings and plans. He’s ok with it and understands. Vanessa is ready to help me as well. She can help with leaving or with 2 months of housepayments as I wait for disability to be decided. I feel angrier every day and I hate it.

Sometimes I wonder what makes now any different than the rest of my life? I always believed I had to live with my choices and learn from my mistakes. I get to thinking there are choices sometimes, but there really aren’t, are there? Should there be? I don’t know.

I think everyone wants to run away on any given day. Somedays are pretty close to hellish for all of us, aren’t they? We do dumbass things that hurt us as individuals or as a unit. One of us feels like climbing out of our skin and the other looks on in a what the hell’s wrong with you? fashion.

Someone says stop dealing with that bullshit – but that bullshit has a name and is the parent of your child and your life is always tied to that bullshit no matter how well you try to clean it up. Then there is your own baggage. Your medication, your lack of stamina, your animals, the car you don’t have, the money you need and don’t have. There is the place you need to live. The burden you will be on whoever takes you in with your dogs and your cats and your kid. And everybody has to eat.

As much as I want to say help me, how can I? I’m too old to turn to my parents. My kids are raising their own kids and while they might say yes, my gut says it’s not right. Stay here and fix this. I don’t hate my husband. I am just tired of the bullshit.

I’ve put it out there and said if he doesn’t make the payment I’m leaving. I don’t know how or where, but it’s been said. I’ve laid my needs out to the people who can help me. It’s the 17th. He got the starter fixed this morning. He went to Don’s to work this afternoon. He’s all of a sudden trying to be nice again after weeks of wierd fit throwing. My disability shrink appt is tomorrow. Kayla wants me to come stay for 2 weeks. She’s pissed off that I wouldn’t say yes. I can’t deal with her anger and irrationality. She needs her meds and won’t take them. I would help her, but I can’t stay with her. Then Geoffrey’s High School registration is next week. I don’t trust Steve to do it. Hell, I barely trust me to remember it. lol I’m probably right where I should be – with someone who won’t walk out on me even if I totally break down. Fuck Fuck Fuck. It’s always something. Plus when we worked, we liked each other better than this. I’ve always believed a couple should have sex every 3 days and it’s been 2+ months… and I don’t want it. and I have hit the mark where I should start a second period, and there are no signs it’s coming. I’ve gone 3 months before and started. This is the second time I’ve missed periods. NO. I couldn’t be pregnant. Yes, I’m bitchy.

I need someone to talk to, a girlfriend. I miss having someone who gave a shit to pick up the phone and call me once in a while. How long has it been since I had that? 19fucking92. Just over 20 yrs. Man. It’s been a long ass time since I really had a girl friend. It’s no wonder I’m fucking nuts. I have exactly 3600 applications filed since I’ve been unemployed. YAY Me. No one cares. I can’t even raise a glass to myself. One, I’m on medication that says so, and 2, alcohol is too expensive.

tonight I’m not laughing. I’m crying. I’m really trying to hold on and it’s getting to me. I’m tired. I don’t mean sleepy tired – I sleep too freaking much. I’m also as sick of the rain as I can be. And on that pitiful note, I think I’ll go see if I can find a youtube video on spinning – maybe someone will make sense and I can learn to make my own yarn.

I have to wait until my disability is decided on. I had the drs apt, and the psychiatrist apt is the 18th. I can’t move without a way to manage for me and G. I’ve talked to V and I know she will help me with a move, but it’s still a lot to ask and she and Kelly just found out there is a new baby on the way. I wish this was easier.

Steve has till the end of the month to make the house payment; and the starter just gave out on the truck. I think I just want to die. I am so exhausted.

For lack of a few dollars and and a few days, we are not going to qualify for the home modification program. I say it every day but am ignored. I can’t mail a 400 dollar check without the money to cover it. V sent me $200 dollars and we are 24 dollars short of the payment. By the time it’s there, $76 insurance will have automatically come out of my account. WTF! There he sits reading me shit off the computer. I want to throw things at him…

Steve cut his finger cutting something in the kitchen. We listened to all the screaming and goddamns he could push out for 10 minutes, then the damn cat jumped onto the table in the kitchen and the glass tabletop crashed to the floor. It shattered. That set Steve off again. I know he’s feeling pressured. He hasn’t been able to make the house payment and everything is piling in on him. But I’d like to shake his mother. Why the hell she didn’t bust his butt for acting like a fool when he threw his hissy fits, Is beyond me. I would have. I ask him if he’s cut bad, he doesn’t know. he needs a bandaid but he’s too damn cheap to buy any. I’m just angry at him for not doing anything and letting another chance to save the house pass by. I’m also tired of his fits.

Oh. We clean Sam’s house tomorrow. And I had a check up by the govt’s doctor today.

Neither of us act like anything will change – words are pleasant enough. The dogs are getting along better and better, though not good yet. I’ve crocheted 3 pot holders and made a monster and a pair of socks since the first. Just piddling around… and all I think about is the house, and how we won’t have the payment. I can’t believe how easy Steve’s letting this pass. I want to scream. All I do is sit in silence.