Green Jean Granny

found the right case worker at the Family services office! She fixed our food stamps! They should reload in 24-48 hours! OMG finally. A blessing.

So I asked Steve for a small jar of Pizza sauce, butter and 2 cans of dog food. He wanders Kroger for an hour and a half and comes home with doughnut holes, 6 pks budig meats, 4 ramen noodle cups, pop tarts, tortilla chips, soda, 3 pks muffin mix, butter, bread, half and half, eggs, dog food, trash bags and pizza sauce. He spent $33 including $10 gas. He made $80. I can’t get the house off my mind. It’s almost too late to mail the payment. I guess he’s just gonna throw his hands up and say oh well.

I talked to G about my feelings and plans. He’s ok with it and understands. Vanessa is ready to help me as well. She can help with leaving or with 2 months of housepayments as I wait for disability to be decided. I feel angrier every day and I hate it.

Sometimes I wonder what makes now any different than the rest of my life? I always believed I had to live with my choices and learn from my mistakes. I get to thinking there are choices sometimes, but there really aren’t, are there? Should there be? I don’t know.

I think everyone wants to run away on any given day. Somedays are pretty close to hellish for all of us, aren’t they? We do dumbass things that hurt us as individuals or as a unit. One of us feels like climbing out of our skin and the other looks on in a what the hell’s wrong with you? fashion.

Someone says stop dealing with that bullshit – but that bullshit has a name and is the parent of your child and your life is always tied to that bullshit no matter how well you try to clean it up. Then there is your own baggage. Your medication, your lack of stamina, your animals, the car you don’t have, the money you need and don’t have. There is the place you need to live. The burden you will be on whoever takes you in with your dogs and your cats and your kid. And everybody has to eat.

As much as I want to say help me, how can I? I’m too old to turn to my parents. My kids are raising their own kids and while they might say yes, my gut says it’s not right. Stay here and fix this. I don’t hate my husband. I am just tired of the bullshit.

I’ve put it out there and said if he doesn’t make the payment I’m leaving. I don’t know how or where, but it’s been said. I’ve laid my needs out to the people who can help me. It’s the 17th. He got the starter fixed this morning. He went to Don’s to work this afternoon. He’s all of a sudden trying to be nice again after weeks of wierd fit throwing. My disability shrink appt is tomorrow. Kayla wants me to come stay for 2 weeks. She’s pissed off that I wouldn’t say yes. I can’t deal with her anger and irrationality. She needs her meds and won’t take them. I would help her, but I can’t stay with her. Then Geoffrey’s High School registration is next week. I don’t trust Steve to do it. Hell, I barely trust me to remember it. lol I’m probably right where I should be – with someone who won’t walk out on me even if I totally break down. Fuck Fuck Fuck. It’s always something. Plus when we worked, we liked each other better than this. I’ve always believed a couple should have sex every 3 days and it’s been 2+ months… and I don’t want it. and I have hit the mark where I should start a second period, and there are no signs it’s coming. I’ve gone 3 months before and started. This is the second time I’ve missed periods. NO. I couldn’t be pregnant. Yes, I’m bitchy.

I need someone to talk to, a girlfriend. I miss having someone who gave a shit to pick up the phone and call me once in a while. How long has it been since I had that? 19fucking92. Just over 20 yrs. Man. It’s been a long ass time since I really had a girl friend. It’s no wonder I’m fucking nuts. I have exactly 3600 applications filed since I’ve been unemployed. YAY Me. No one cares. I can’t even raise a glass to myself. One, I’m on medication that says so, and 2, alcohol is too expensive.

tonight I’m not laughing. I’m crying. I’m really trying to hold on and it’s getting to me. I’m tired. I don’t mean sleepy tired – I sleep too freaking much. I’m also as sick of the rain as I can be. And on that pitiful note, I think I’ll go see if I can find a youtube video on spinning – maybe someone will make sense and I can learn to make my own yarn.

I have to wait until my disability is decided on. I had the drs apt, and the psychiatrist apt is the 18th. I can’t move without a way to manage for me and G. I’ve talked to V and I know she will help me with a move, but it’s still a lot to ask and she and Kelly just found out there is a new baby on the way. I wish this was easier.

Steve has till the end of the month to make the house payment; and the starter just gave out on the truck. I think I just want to die. I am so exhausted.

For lack of a few dollars and and a few days, we are not going to qualify for the home modification program. I say it every day but am ignored. I can’t mail a 400 dollar check without the money to cover it. V sent me $200 dollars and we are 24 dollars short of the payment. By the time it’s there, $76 insurance will have automatically come out of my account. WTF! There he sits reading me shit off the computer. I want to throw things at him…

Steve cut his finger cutting something in the kitchen. We listened to all the screaming and goddamns he could push out for 10 minutes, then the damn cat jumped onto the table in the kitchen and the glass tabletop crashed to the floor. It shattered. That set Steve off again. I know he’s feeling pressured. He hasn’t been able to make the house payment and everything is piling in on him. But I’d like to shake his mother. Why the hell she didn’t bust his butt for acting like a fool when he threw his hissy fits, Is beyond me. I would have. I ask him if he’s cut bad, he doesn’t know. he needs a bandaid but he’s too damn cheap to buy any. I’m just angry at him for not doing anything and letting another chance to save the house pass by. I’m also tired of his fits.

Oh. We clean Sam’s house tomorrow. And I had a check up by the govt’s doctor today.

Neither of us act like anything will change – words are pleasant enough. The dogs are getting along better and better, though not good yet. I’ve crocheted 3 pot holders and made a monster and a pair of socks since the first. Just piddling around… and all I think about is the house, and how we won’t have the payment. I can’t believe how easy Steve’s letting this pass. I want to scream. All I do is sit in silence.

It’s July 2nd. Steve has not called the paper or gone out to check on a job. I’ve brought it up over and over. He says he’ll do it but doesn’t. He seems to think the money will magically appear for the house payment for the Home modification amount. I was told and paperwork says, make sure it gets there before July 1st. He says he was told he just has to get it there by the late payment date. His brother is leaving for 8-10 days on vacation NOW. So his money he could earn is gone.

I said if he let this opportunity pass by, I was leaving. I guess he thinks I lie. I don’t say things I don’t mean. I would have to tap Vanessa for the money. I’d need 300$ to fix my car – and I’d need a trailer/truck to move my things and the only place I have to go is Melissa’s. (Now dammit I know you read my blog – I just have to talk, so don’t let this upset you – I will probably figure something else out) Taryn has an apt but that won’t work with the dogs and the cats; plus she has a room mate. I don’t really know what to do about the cats – G loves Arrow so 1 cat and 2 dogs. It might be cheaper to buy a used camper to live in so we have a place to go to, to give whoever we go to, a break from us. Plus I could pack it with my things and go that way. I know Melissa has a bedroom, but I’d rather let G have it if that’s what we end up doing. I just don’t know what to do. Steve will probably pull this out his ass like he always does though I can’t see it. V texted me about the house payment. I couldn’t talk to her right then. Just told her Steve didn’t have it.

I’ve made excuses for Steve like I used to make for Greg. I guess I feel like there are extenuating things, like the bad tires, the starter that’s going out, the clothes that look like shit, the internal clock that only functions at night. What am I doing? I can’t find work either, but he told me to stop looking and focus on trying to get the disability. I’d be surprised if they give it to me, even though I am in pain all the time. Lots of people work with bad backs, arthritis, fibromyalgia. I left Greg when he started really hurting our kids and asking me to lie for him. Steve doesn’t hit, but some of the things he does drive me nuts. Last night, the cat was asleep with him on the chair and Rory walked to the back door to ask to go outside. Tink startled, scratching Steve – I guess her claw caught his lip, no blood. He jumped up screaming saying how he was going to kill the cat. He threw his hat, jumped up and down and up and down, and up and down screaming goddammit, goddammit, goddammit, goddammit, mutherfucker, etc. It totally took me by surprise. You can’t offer sympathy to someone acting like that screaming at the top of their lungs. They drown you out so you sit there thinking shut up asshole. I sometimes wish I’d taken G away years ago so he would have never seen that example in his life. He doesn’t act like that even at his bad moments, but it’s imprinted, and I know it.

I was too sick to go to the Food Stamp office and they closed our account. I have to get to their office with my paperwork so they will reinstate it for July. Such a load of crap. I got Don and Sam to write letters saying what we get paid so we can get our foodstamps. It’s always something. You report anything and they cut you off totally. Luckily the Medicaid continues.

What else? I guess I’ll wait a few days and start packing. Unless Steve borrows money from his brother to set us up someplace else, I think the house is going to be gone. I can’t see them giving him the whole 3 months of the trial period, but who the hell knows?