Green Jean Granny

I didn’t sleep well last night. I was feeling pretty bad about my job with Dr. K and feeling like I was being jerked around. I wanted to call in this morning but made myself go. Dr K asked me to come into her office and she apologized so heartfeltly for forgetting my check before she left town. She said she’d told Arline to give me money from petty cash if I needed it to keep me ok until she got home, but Arline didn’t tell me. It’s hard to pocket my feelings sometimes when these things happen. Dr K told me that when I have known her for years, I will know she would not knowingly hurt me. I watched her this morning as she pulled on purple support stockings and I could see her pain and she never says a word about it. She is different from me, but there is something I like so much that exudes from this woman when we are one on one. I need to let the worry go. She asked me again about starting the terrarium for her. I have a pretty good idea how to do this. I also told her Steve would like a chance to try to fix her aquarium filter at home. she’ll like that, plus it will give him something to do. Steve cornered me in the waiting room when no one was looking and kissed me…he hasn’t done that in a long time. I used to love how sweet he could be.

What else… I started a new baby blanket for pay. I also began a knitting needle case for me. I need some postage money. I have Melissa’s hat to mail, Isaac’s box and Celtie’s arm warmers and mullein seeds. I need to mail the Yoda hat to Karen – how can we sit here so freaking broke day after day? The car repairs are finally paid, one ticket is paid. We still owe $250 on the second – the water bill is back to normal, $28! The gas and elec hit us at $446. We need ink for the printer. It’s a never ending climb.

I have an appointment with my PA tomorrow at 1pm. She wants to discuss my meds. Except for the constant bad taste in my mouth, I don’t feel like anything is different. The pain I have has spread more evenly across my collarbone area and standing for extended periods hurts like hell. All in all, no medication changes needed.

We have a trivia tournament on Saturday. It’s a damn good team.

We just watched Big Bang and I swear it’s a show I can watch over and over. I never tire of it. I’m so happy tonight is a new episode! lol

OK, nothing else is new tonight. All is well.

I am so glad that damn paper job is over and done! I thought we were gonna kill each other over it! 96 miles 2,300 papers rolled and thrown, and $60 gas. We won’t make a penny. That damned manager is the laziest mother fucker I’ve ever run across. Steve was practically yelling at me over not being able to give him the next address and IT WASN’T THERE. The route book was so messed up. I wanted to hurt somebody too. I may have to accept shit jobs but don’t tell me that something that takes experienced carriers 13 hours to complete is GOLD when it’s rolled shit! Steve’s been dizzy off and on today from the mess up in his meds, and I’ve really been hurting from missing mine.

We talked today about moving and what we want when we do. I think we are both ready for this to be over and to embrace the change. We want a place we can garden and have some chickens and a couple of goats and our dog and the cats that aren’t sick. As much as we love them, Tink, Maybs, Patches, Tug, and Ruby will have to be put down. We won’t move with Mojo either because he’s never tamed down and will piss in the house. We’ll decide on the rest when we know what we will do. Kera and Tommy can’t live inside. There is simply nothing for us here. We both love North Carolina and if Don will buy the house, we’ll just move. Steve says as far as colleges go, NC has the best cluster for Geoffrey – Wakeforest, Duke, NC, NCS – all excellent schools for him to choose from as home base schools. So, We’ll see what happens. We want a store front – so I can sell crafts and Steve can fix small appliances and lawn equipment, and I can sell fresh eggs and veges – it just needs to be a self sufficient place. I guess it’s what we need to build from.

Geoffrey told me he’s living at home till his college loans are paid off as his way of making us support him through school and repayment since we can’t pay for the loans. Then he’s leaving and we’ll never see him again. BRAT.

A precious friend gave me a little money and I paid for G’s AP exam fees with it. It was well timed! The govt pays for 1 class, and Gwinnett Co pays for the rest since we are low income. We just had to pay the registration fees – $10 per class. His current exam is World History, and the ones for this coming year are Language, and Psychology and French.

So I guess I keep my shithead husband…for a while longer anyway.

One more word spoken at me and I may loose my composure. Steve’s still trying to force us to cash G’s bond. He doesn’t want us to be so ‘low on cash’. I could scream. His pension processes tomorrow. There is no reason to make us cash it now. He’s also trying to force G to take his second pair of shoes as his own. I’m trying not to be angry but I’m having a hard time. Sometimes I wonder if at the end of everything we face if we will make it through to the other side as a couple. Mostly because he is so snappy and because I am so hurt these days.

I broke down and asked Kay if she could loan me $50 for 2 days and immediately regretted it. She doesn’t need my stress. I was so sorry to put my need out there. I cried. I didn’t mean to but I’ve hit that point where they are coming and all the Prozac in the world isn’t going to stop them. I apologized to her and got off the phone. I’d called V first and just left a message, said I love you and left it at that. I told Steve I’m out of answers. I suggested maybe he could pawn some of the stereo equipment he has and I started crying again.

We went to Kroger to spend a bit of our food stamp money for bread and sugar and I bought hot dogs and beans because I’m exhausted. I made G go so we could cash out his $50 bond he’s had for years. That’s our last household stash of any kind. We couldn’t get it done. We have to go to a main branch to do it. G has to have ID – He has a passport and birth certificate. It’s just a mess because of how Linda bought it. Oh well. I never intended to cash it anyway.

Vanessa called me a little while later and as we talked, she of course offered to help. She put 158$ in my account, covering my bounced charge, and giving me $100. Bless her heart. In a blink she rescued me again.

I wish I could stand this. I feel so low to take money from my child. I told her I’d put a check in the mail and send it so she’d have it right back but she said no.

So we have our water paid, Steve’s fine paid, and money for gas. I still want to just curl up in a ball and cry.

haven’t thought about it till now. Had other things to think about.
Like a truck broken down in the drive. A job we couldn’t get to, and a water bill we couldn’t pay.

Paypal says it’s processed an 81$ payment that shows no sign of hitting my bank – if it does hit my bank, I’ll be overdrawn by $5. Fu*k! There is a mistake someplace. It seems to be with a yarn purchase I made in December. That’s even more crap. I need this one to work in my favor for 6 more days. What are the chances?

Emergency change is gone. All account padding is gone. No pocket change left. No scrap metal. No change in the couch cushions – hell, we don’t even have a couch. lol No money due in until the 2nd. Not good on any level. At least I can use EBT for bread and milk. I hope Don pays Steve something in advance – so I can go to work tomorrow.

perfect handle if you ask me. 3 mornings ago I found that Steve had spent his night signing up and looking around on Match.com. I was angry to put it mildly. To me, this is even worse than porn sites. Those are in your face sex and he looks and comes upstairs. That was what do you like, list your interests, here I am, look at me…he is the most inept computer person in the world but he fiddled around enough to get his FB picture loaded and a profile filled in. I swear to god I was mad enough to hit him. He spent the day making me feel that I had hurt his feelings and he was just mad and it came up and he just filled it in. I decided to let it go. I love this man. We made love Thursday and I thought he was going to go in and cancel it and that was that. Then I got up this morning and he’d retrieved his password, and looked at over 70 profiles on our old slow machine. I was so mad. I didn’t give him a break at all. I told him to get his ass up and get it canceled or his ass would be a great lonely homeless catch all by itself. He started fiddling around acting like he couldn’t find his ass from a hole in the ground – I said here, let me make it easy for you. History, day, Friday, match.com, forgot password and I walked away. I swear to god if he’d kept playing stupid I might have stabbed him with a knitting needle. He went to the site FAQ and started reading and I reached around him and said you damned well better click the most direct links. I think it’s handled except that now his email will be littered with match dot com women faces along the side bar forevermore. I told him I think if he does this kind of shit again, I’ll let his ‘great-catch-of-an-ass’ go on out and find himself a new match. I’m really tired of giving up life while he learns his lessons and hanging in as his wife when he didn’t want me in the first place. I’m tired. I’m really tired.

Bank of America Rules as usual. No service, make ’em jump through hoops for a big fat NO. Now it all rests squarely on Steve. Let’s see if I can keep my mouth shut and let him do what needs to be be done. I really have a line of sailor’s terms running towards my mouth. BITE my tonge and clench my teeth – they shall not pass today.

through another year. Thank the gods.

Krismas (thnks Melissa) has come and gone again. No gifts exchanged. No pressies under the tree. A few used and handmade items for the kids and grands. A ladder tree that was cheerful and different. Family came in from San Fransisco. Steve’s sister died so we saw the other half of the family. I think we all learned some lessons.

We begin the new year with a Blessing Jar, a plan in place in case we have to move, and a family still in tact. There is a new grandson. We have renewed hope that Steve’s kids may one day unharden their hearts, and a neice restored to the family. I have a part time job – a few hours a week; and time to knit.

I’m looking forward to the new year!

changes…Nancy dying sure took us all by surprise. She’d been a bit under the weather and had let us know that Thanksgiving was gonna be the last time she made a big meal and brought it with her – at 73, most women would have stopped that shit years before. She’s a yr older than my mom. I guess we take people for granted. Steve has been real quiet. He didn’t ask me to cancel my plans, I did. I didn’t want to leave him. The girls and I will spend a different day together.

Everybody is talking about how she’s in heaven with Jesus and mama now. I am trying to simply be here, and not offer my words unless they are asked for. This family has bit my head off for offering my prayers before because we pray differently in their opinion. I imagine the funeral will be late next week since the christian contingent has to come in from St. Louis.

Anyway. We’ll miss her. She tried to be sweet to me and Geoffrey. She hugged me last time I saw her and that was not typical for the women in this family. She loved her grand babies and we found common ground there.

Rest in peace Nancy. ❤

christmas eve… not a gift in sight, Steve is laying in bed ‘hurting.’ Even when I take all pressure off – no gathering at our house, no gifts, no celebration – he’s too bad off to shave, see the grandbaby in from across the country. Even when it’s on neutral ground. The only thing we asked was to go for a drive and see the lights tonight. Who knows? It’s still early right?

Tomorrow we will go to his brother’s house. V can bring the baby there. If she doesn’t, he’ll be justified in all the years he didn’t go for my kids. Then Wednesday, I’ll go alone to see all my girls together for a few hours while he sits at home NEEDING the Jimmy (he’s already put it out there) there won’t be a lot of daylight so I should hurry. Then I work Thursday. And V leaves Friday. Well, she should have thought how limited things would be before she moved to San Fran.

And he says it’s all me – he never fucks with my holidays. At least that’s what I imagine he’d say if he ever spoke about it. I guess he’s not thinking about anything except how he worked so hard that he’s in terrible pain.