Green Jean Granny

Well, the nice lady at GA Dept of Rev’s Recovery company set up an automatic debit from my account for the back taxes. This will let Bank of America move forward with their paper work on our restructured loan. It’s all well and good but I don’t have the money for them to withdraw. I have 148$ due on the Internet bill. There is $250 due on water, and $228 due for Electric. I expect to add another $100 to my $134 by the end of the month. Somehow, that doesn’t mesh up. Let’s see, G needs the Internet for school – we need the water for all of us – and my head just spins as to where yet another $50.50 will come from. I want to cry. Just flat out bawl.

My MRI showed Frozen Shoulder caused by trauma (?I assume it was the car accident I had) and degenerative arthritis along with my degenerative disc disease. I’ll be feeling good in my old age.

Every time I sip my coffee or eat something, I am so thankful for my two front teeth. I wish I could just revel in the kindness that was shown to me. All the rest of the stress hangs over me and tries to make me forget the good stuff. Having my teeth saved is good stuff! Having my bite corrected is amazing. Why can’t the rest just go away for a little while?

Thanksgiving is coming and we are invited to Don and Janice’s again. I wish I felt included. The meal is planned without a word to me and no one is reachable to call and ask if I can help with anything. I guess I’ll take my knitting because no one talks to me and I can hide in the open when my hands are busy. Geoffrey will eat, then sleep. There is nothing to engage him either and no one will try.

Kaiha will get her 1 yr medallion from AA on Thanksgiving night. I told her I’d be there. I need Steve to take me. He’ll hate going because he hates Kaiha, but I can’t drive myself at night and I’m going. I’m proud of her and she wants me there. One year! Such an achievement.

Dinner tonight will be whole grain pasta with tuna and white beans and green peas and mushroom soup. It will be filling. lol one of my favorite one pot meals! Steve tolerates it, and G won’t eat it. We have 6 days before the EBT card refills – we will be scraping the bottom by then. I have $30 to stretch till the 18th. That will be pet food, milk, bread, and gas.

Kayla’s Drs appointment has her measuring 38 weeks pregnant so we can have a baby any day! Her dad is pressuring her to not listen to her dr and not let them do a c-section under any circumstances. He’s such an idiot. He needs to keep his mouth shut. This is her responsibility and her body and baby. He would feel bad if something happened, but she’d be responsible. She’s going to try a vaginal birth after a c-sec. She doesn’t need him pressuring her. I can’t wait for the little poot to be born! I adore babies.

Geoffrey wants a shower curtain for Yule with a periodic table on it. He saw one on tv. He also asked me to start saving my change so he can eat Ramen Noodles when he goes to college. I love my kid lol. He’s taking 2 college classes to get certificates from Princeton – learning French and Russian – and doing brain exercises to improve his memory, plus his 10th grade classes and has all A’s. He never stops. He’s reading the Writer’s Handbook to improve his writing skills, and The Iliad. Child scares me, if he hadn’t been born at home, I’d be sure he was someone else’s child.

So I guess I let go of my negatives. They aren’t gone, but they aren’t bigger than the good stuff. THEY AREN’T BIGGER!

This morning’s FB status: I remember Gramma saying life is about CHANGE. Well, some days it’s about the change in your pocket. Some days it’s about physical change, and some days it knowing that the only person we can really change is ourselves.

My God I realized how crazy my husband drives himself. Yesterday we waited for an hour in the back rooms at the Dr’s office listening to her chatter with other patients as she worked her way to us. I brought my knitting and actually enjoyed myself and loved the quiet time with Steve. I also enjoyed the nuances of our Dr’s personality and the quiet room and reading the posters. He excused himself to walk the dog and by the time he came back, she was with me. He listened to her and basically felt rushed because we ended up being the last people in the office before they broke for lunch and their break ran 10 minutes late. Dr Andrews jokingly suggested some valarian tea for Steve which was wasted on him, but not on me. He continued to work himself up through the day and by the time he came to bed he was so out of sorts I think he could have easily had a stroke! All because he couldn’t let the Dr’s visit go.

I tried to soothe this household all day yesterday. G wasn’t feeling well. He has a cold and he doesn’t blow his nose. It’s an autistic thing with him. He did however let me make him some herbal tea with honey and accepted a midnight bedtime without too much angst. I made Steve some ‘relaxing’ tea with honey too, and he was still steaming. He went to trivia without me. Dancing with the Stars was wonderful last night and I slept through the first half and woke up to see Shawn earn her perfect 10. Steve would have liked it but he was too busy loosing at trivia and adding to his pissed off mood. Then when he finally came to be at 1:30, he woke me up, and as I come out of my dreams, I talk in my sleep and then become conscious to the room – and sleeping on my back (because of my shoulder) makes me snore. I wish he would change his mindset. He snores. Like a train. But I can still fall asleep. I tell myself he’s sleeping and I can relax now and I practice fading out. And I do, in spite of his noise. But when I try to make any suggestion to help him release the stress, he says it’s not how he’s made, it’s not him, ect, and he gets madder, and he builds more upset. He’s gonna kill himself.

G is able to switch it off if we let him alone. He can tap into his early training and even though he’s wired like Steve, he has his mama’s influence. I know it’s possible to make these changes in one’s self if a person wants to. Steve doesn’t want to and he won’t even try. It’s time for ME to shake it off…I can’t kill myself trying to fix me for him.

And today is my first day on the weight loss pill Phentermine – generic = Adipex-P. I can take them for 3 months only. They are to give my body a jump start and I have to make the effort to get this weight off. I’m going back on Atkin’s because it is the fastest way to get my cholesterol under control as well. It shot up 50 points in the wrong way eating like she told Steve to eat for his health. He is an A+ blood type and I am an O+. We don’t do well on the same diet. So, that is my plan as of today along with exercise. The anti-inflamitory med is definitly helping my shoulder. My MRI is tomorrow. I should go alone. Steve will work himself up again due to 3 days in a row of being ‘out’ of the house and doing stuff. GAH.

Anyway. It’s time for him to get up. It’s voting day. We clean Bobby’s house. It’s pouring rain. And of course Steve will have to do the cat litter and the trash in the rain because he waits till the last moment and makes himself miserable. I told him we can get rid of the cats. He can’t do that, but he can hate himself forever for saying ‘yes’ in the first place to keeping them. OMG the cycle is vicious.

Today I have packed temporary filling material into two of my front teeth. The are both sensitive to hot and cold. I know I should have them pulled, but I can’t. My vanity is not totally dead. I look so wierd eating and chewing with one top tooth that works for chewing. I remember how awful my mother looked when all of hers were gone. we joke about fantastic blow jobs but really, I can hardly bear to think of it. the dr cautioned me that I could infect my upper jaw. Shit. Here I am delaying the pulling more. For vanity and to avoid change. How do I eat without teeth? medicaid won’t pay for dentures.

Change is quite a big deal isn’t it?

So yesterday was Doctor day.

Steve downplayed his arm pain. Dr wants him to exercise it and ward off anything worse. She told him to use presses and the band. (The same exercises I had to research for ages to figure out. GRRR.)His bp was 167/100. I told her when we take it at home, it’s always 120/100. I couldn’t find his bp diary. He has white coat anxiety. Such bullshit to make yourself so stressed but it’s how he is. (and if I can just say it, I’m tired of him yelling at me because he doesn’t feel good. Join the club asshole – I don’t yell at you.)

I asked to talk to her in private because I knew I was gonna cry. I don’t know how I am going to keep cleaning houses. I am in so much pain. I thought she’d increase my medicine dosage – instead she totally changed the regime. OK. I understand what she’s doing is a bandaid approach. She wants me seen by a rehab doctor NOW. I’ll call them on Wednesday morning and hopefully they will see me. They also deal with fibromyalgia so maybe there will be some progress. She was not happy about the side effects the meds could cause all together – serotonin syndrome seems to be the most serious. I am ready for a hand up with this weight loss so I can continue on my own. I am doing research FIRST, then I will fill the perscription after we talk about meds again.

Right now, I am on these vitamins:

2000 units D, 2000 mcg B12, 65MG Iron,

She kept me on:

50MG Topamax at bedtime (for headache prevention).  She kept my subscription for Neurontin 300MG *use sparingly, up to 3 times a day as needed for pain. She said this is for shooting nerve pain.

She added:

25 MG of Elavil for insomnia *to be taken sparingly and only when it’s bad. Glucophage 500 MG 2 times a day (a diabetes medication that helps with weight loss and PCOD). 150 MG Zantac twice a day for the nausea I’ve been having. It’s mild but bothersome. I think it’s caused by the Glucosamine I take on my own. My main pain pill has been changed to Ultram 50 MG tablet, up to 3 times a day *but use as sparingly as possible. [Adipex-P 37.5 mg once a day for weight loss. and Percocet for break through pain.] She said the last 3 can be habit forming and we will start the last two later after discussing them again – I may wait and see what the rehab dr says too.

I just know I am tired and sick of the pain and sick of gaining weight no matter what I try diet wise. I can’t exercise. My heart and everything is fine – just my veins in my legs need support stockings from the varicose issues. I’m told I have good genes if I can just get an exercise program going. I want to be off meds and out of pain so bad.

The only actual DX at this time is degenerative disc disease. It effects several areas in my back and neck.

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I got up this morning and had a TB local honey, 1 TB Apple cider vinegar and 4 oz hot water – a container of yogurt, a small cup of soup (I was supossed to have tomato juice or a vegetable), 1 hb egg, and a cup of coffee. My vitamins, glucosamine, prozac, glucophage, zantac, no pain pill. We are cleaning house today and won’t eat again till 4pm or so.

Jackie won’t eat because he knows we are leaving.

I swear if we weren’t so broke I’d give Bobby notice. I can’t keep cleaning houses. I guess I can take all the pain pills as we leave the house so I can do it.