Green Jean Granny

but I sure wish they paid something! lol

Slytherin hat is done but I’m not satisfied. I may make the girl 2 hats! lol Gotta start #2 by tonight. She wants harry Potter with stripes and double pom-poms. I really want to create something they will love. we shall see what happens. I have such wonderful books to peruse for ideas… and Ravelry rocks!

Still at a stand still for BOA. Guess it’s on me to begin and Steve will take over. I should get started but I don’t know how. Big breath and jump in I guess.

We got a ticket yesterday. Steve will do community service to pay it is the plan. Man I hate this. We really didn’t deserve it. He sped up for just a moment because of a 18 weeler that was pushing us – we changed lanes and the cop lasered us, not the truck. Seems so unfair sometimes. Oh well, CS won’t kill us.

Computer money came. I have to deposit the check.

Yesterday I kept smelling cat pee. Came to realize after we left the house, they’d pissed on my bra. I hate them some days more than anyone can know. I keep hearing committment. I should have been comitted for ever wanting a cat and ever saying yes.

Kayla cracks me up. Just saying. My middle daughter shares everything and makes me freaking laugh. I adore her – especially when she’s not busy hating me.

well, I should be working. I am getting to be such a procrastinator. Not really, I work second shift! lol HaHa! Second shift!

And for the record, I love my friends!

What a nice start to the day.

Blue skies, sex, sleeping in…

shower, a quick trip to the store…

coffee, breakfast…

knitting!

It’s cool in the mornings now and Steve is working on the deck and the yard – I can’t wait to be able to have my coffee out there again. He painted the umbrella stand last night. He also moved that crappy canned, dried, 30 yr old food outside to the shed to open a little at a time and compost. We would have eaten it to save our lives, but damn it was nasty. And the gas it caused was horrid.

When we cleaned house Tuesday, Bobby was moving out. No word about not needing us, he just confirmed he was moving back in with Sam. So we will loose one cleaning job. Down $100. We need every penny. At the same time, When we got home, Beth (yes our sweet Beth) asked me to make a baby set for her. And one of V’s friends asked for 4 hats! This months $100 is covered. Paid knitting rocks. I don’t know how we will manage everything, but we have and I have to trust it will continue. I have plans for more knitting. I have to pray for fast fingers! And focus!

The fall feels close. I feel my grandmother near.

My neice Christina has shared some things with me that while I knew they were there, really hurt me for HER. I faced the usual “Amber as family scapegoat crap” used to hurt someone else who they want to shame into conformity. I don’t give a shit anymore until I hear they’ve done it to someone and caused them pain. “Allright Amber” stung Christy badly because they tell her I was a liar. They say to this day no one believes me because I lie for attention. I WAS ABUSED. I TOLD ON THE ABUSER. THEY WERE MORE COMFORTABLE BELIEVING I WAS A LIAR THAN PROTECTING ME. I WAS A LITTLE CHILD WHO HURT HERSELF. I pulled out my hair in chunks. I scratched sores on my face and scalp. I tried to smother my baby brother because mama made me watch him while she and Harry had sex and he screamed. I put a pillow over his head. What else does a little kid do? I was neglected. I was ignored. I was beat. I was constantly called a liar. I cared about no one and nothing. I was a slob. I read constantly. I wanted to be an only child because harry would push me and Troy into each other repeatedly until we were crying and we fought each other. Like dogs fighting. We were so hungry. I WAS HUNGRY. I knew the headache would go away on the 3rd day. What child should know that? I could say so much more. The drinking, the vomiting, the let downs of an alcoholic father. The extreme religion that came. the sexual abuse. The isolation. Yeah, I became a liar. I became very self involved. I learned how to protect myself. I let others take beatings to save myself. I understand why I have no relationship with my siblings except superficially. I understand why I am estranged from my parents except superficially. I am no longer a secret keeper. I am no longer a liar. I do not stand by and let people hurt others I care about and call them “Amber” without telling the person why they do it. They do it because they DID NOT PROTECT ME FROM ABUSE. They did not listen. To my neice Christina, who’s beautiful name means, One who listens… I give you this… if they call you AMBER You can claim the name and wear it with pride! I love you honey. My beautiful neice who is not listened to either… you are worth EVERYTHING.

a bit of music, a finished hat, some sunshine.

All better. Who needs that other stuff?

I’m good!

Still feeling down – this utility bill is haunting me. I don’t see how we are gonna make it. $489 that just isn’t there. Don has cut Steve’s work to once a week and the man just won’t get his ass moving till at least 2pm. We’ve gone from $150 a week to $50 – maybe.

He got paid for 3 hours of work yesterday and we lost the trivia tournament and he came home and threw his hat and a fit and was up all night. I had to be all friendly with Mandy (remember mandy?) – who I liked very much but had to watch Steve hug. She is/was oblivious to his sneaking. She’s early 40’s, and hit it off perfectly with Tammy who Steve has decided he won’t play trivia with again either. Why we can’t have friends who aren’t trivia friends is beyond me. Trivia is what we do. it’s what they do. It’s just that they like it, and we NEED it. For us, this is getting old. Steve is not on the winning team because the team didn’t want to play with me. I’m not good enough. They are jerks and he gave it up for me so I’m not entitled to complain or have an opinion. Sometimes I hate trivia. It could be so fun without the pressure.

Steve told me I had another night terror – He says I do it often. He says I fight and scream out Leave me alone, stop it NO Go Away, and lots of loud incoherent mumbling – and I wake up with no memory of it. He held Jackie away from me this last time and said he knew if he’d tried to wake me up I’d of hit him and fought him. Damn. I guess the Universe is being kind to me to wipe my dreams away. People say keep a dream journal, but there is nothing to record. Mostly I wake up feeling tired and like I haven’t slept. I remember enough trauma in real life to have to sort through dreams like that too. I think I’ll count it as a kindness and move on. Steve was very disconcerted and couldn’t sleep.

I want things to go well for us. I don’t want to fight. I am feeling the pain of inadequacy again. I just can’t shake it. The needs are swelling and the money is shrinking.

Last night, Steve bumped into a waitress at the tournament almost knocking her over and wanted to leave her a $5 tip. We ordered nothing. I reacted from the money pit and he reacted like I was a mean bitch who was hateful – I caught it and backed right off – I let him tip her of course – and I fought tears all the way home because he is oblivious to the things I’m feeling so deprived of. I look in the mirror and see the gray I can’t cover because it looks like shit the next time I can’t buy color. The chipped up nail polish I can’t clean off because I have no remover. I want a goddamned bottle of oil of Olay to use on my hands and face. I broke one of my size 5 double pointed birch knitting needles. It’s stupid to feel like this when I have other lotion, other size 5 needles, I’m gonna have to cut my hair anyway because my arm hurts so bad when I try to brush it… FUCK. I can’t see to put on mascara anymore so I guess wanting new makeup is pointless.

My perspective is selfish this morning. I have to find my balance so I can continue to walk this freaking tightrope. I’m faltering and no one really gives a shit. That’s not true. People give a shit. Kay called last night to make sure I do NOT shield her if things get too bad. I had that want to scream moment again… 4 freaking years of this. THEY are BAD! How much more? How much MORE?

Yes I can take it. Yes I can do without these things. No, they aren’t life threatening. They are just ME threatening. I shrink away into practical nothingness. The strap broke on my new purse last night. What did I expect from an $8 Kmart bag? I safety pinned it. Yes, I can take it back and get my $8 – it’s not the point. It’s my favorite color and the last one they had and I wanted a fucking new purse,

What the hell is wrong with me? On occassion, I get the feelings that other women are allowed and this situation we are in makes them hurt me like sharp little stabs.

I don’t like stabs. I don’t like them at all.

I’m gonna go play Wow for an hour and then start a new hat. I am going to make dog sweaters in my etsy store – people like those. Don’t worry. I’m okay.

I’m always okay.

There is such a nice feel to the mornings this past week. Fall is creeping in and trying not to be noticed yet. Funny how only those who get up early really notice. With coffee in hand I step outside and get that nice little shiver that isn’t really from cold, just unexpected coolness that refreshes the spirit and spurs my thankfullness.

I miss the connection we had once through the old Covenspace blog site. I guess that will never be recaptured. Luckily friends have been retained. I think the blurbing aspect of Facebook unsettled me for a moment. It’s taken over such a huge portion of my life that I needed to reclaim myself. I’ve never been a gossip – ever. I believe the intimate details of people’s existance should be their own unless they seek me out personally to share a secret or a special thought. I’m tired of seeing the originating site of Fuck You or Women for bashing balls – it is so unlike how I am and what I allow in my mind. I believe we have to control the contents of our minds for our peace of mind. Good things in, good things out. Maybe that’s niave, but it’s what I think and it’s not on Facebook. Now I have to say, I love M’s video blog updates. I sit and watch every one and wich we had a cup of coffee and could sit and watch the hummingbird feeder and the morning glories grow and just chat. I love the pictures of the grandbabies and the antics that get shared and the prayer requests.

I can’t look at another abused dog or cat or child or woman or elephant sucking a mans head into it’s ass – I’m tired of being upset by political things that are important to me only to find out it’s been cleverly photoshoped. I don’t like American Dad, Family Guy, or The Simpson’s, or Cleveland Brown, or South Park. Crude is not funny. Rude is not funny. Nasty is not funny. Porn is not funny. Pain is not funny. Oh, we all laugh, but it’s not healthy. It jades us and makes us an insensitive people. It’s not how I want to be. Anyway. I just need one more week … one more lovely, busy, focused week without Facebook. I love my broomies, my family, my friends… but I love this little bit of time off.

It’s been good for me.

I’ve been productive. I have fed my soul. I am in pain – I am walking. Dr. says my pain is nerve pain. I have no idea what this is. I’m simply thankful my hands are ok. I know Steve’s tired of hearing me talk it out loud. I’m tired of trying to decipher it constantly. It is what it is I guess. We are $600 in the hole and I don’t see a way to recover it. Maybe Steve will figure it out. Anyway. Back to my reading and knitting. I have the day off today to do what I want before The week kicks in and gets BUSY!!!!

Other than that, I’m just slowing down – my menopause is coming – Last real period was in June. In July I tinged for 6 days. Just a literal spot on a tampon – not even enough to wear one. This month, barely more. Dr says perimenopause. lol I can stop worrying that I can’t find Ultra size tampons now. Funny how this is unfolding as well. I also notice a change in the skin on my hands. I think I’ll start being diligent with the Oil of Olay. I’ve always been vain about my hands. Only thing on me I ever thought was pretty.

I think I’ll find a way to watch my LeslieAnn Warren Cinderella today – I feel like seeing it while I knit. I talked to Taryn last time she called about finding her own go to song for when life gets hard. It’s ok to call me to sing to her, but the chemical reaction it stimulates in her body when she sings is something she needs to fight depression. It’s a proven fact. I love singing for her, but someday, she’s gonna have to rely on herself. Sweet baby. Life’s been hard for her and she’s just begun it. I love my kids. This is not gonna be their last incarnation. Gods help ’em and love ’em.

Slow and easy today – may we all feel a little peace and see our blessings for the size they are. If we cry, may there be tears of joy mixed in with all the others and may we have the wisdom to keep them in perspective.

Today is the anniversary of the stillbirth of my 15 week old son, Jamison Whitten Garret. Aug 25th, 1989. He had all his parts and fingers and toes. We buried him behind the house on Knotty Pine Ct in Buford GA in a shoe box with fiberfil and a piece of blue fabric. I would have called him Jamie. He looked like Vanessa and I can still see his little face and how he looked in my hand. Funny the things that we remember years later – and their impact. I never knew why he died. he just did. He would have been 23.

I swear I didn’t mean to make such a big wave by deactivating my Facebook page for 2 weeks. Didn’t I say it would be just 2 weeks? I have had more calls and emails from people wanting to know if I know what’s up with family members than you would believe. Then I had to laugh because I really don’t think the page was gone more than a day anyway because Geoffrey signed me in to make his spotify account work. Ces la vie.

Drama – freaking drama –

Steve and I have decided not to be facebook friends since he didn’t see most of my posts anyway. NO Autumn didn’t try to kill herself. She is abused badly and simply wants out but can’t leave until after the baby is born on the 29th. Light a candle, say a prayer – it’s her fifth and she’s gonna need all the strength she can muster. Sweet little girl might be 23/24 yrs old.

I missed Paula’s birthday – hope it was happy sweetie.

Apparently someone else has Kansas’s phone so he must be in the hole for something. I have tried and tried to get hold of the counselor and the warden but no luck. I swear the assholes are deliberately not calling me back.

On the BoA front, they called yesterday and want paperwork proving an old home equity loan was paid off – we should have that. They also want the paperwork on the loan Countrywide bought from Tucker Federal. It’s our fault a defunct bank didn’t close out their paperwork. Blah. Steve will handle this round of bullshit. At least they’ve moved on from scrtinizing me. We are still here so WHATEVER. They say we have to make arrangements with the State to make payments on the back taxes too – blood from turnips… I have no idea how we will do this. We are already behind on the utilities again.

Steve has to have his prostate biopsied in 12 places. It’s done by a springloaded machine. I would be terrified. He is not talking about it. He made a joke about having butt lube that was going to waste while we were walking around the walmart looking for bread. I guess he didn’t wipe up good after the exam lol. OhKAY.

I stepped on the litter catcher in the hall last night and lost my balance. I caught myself with my right arm and the pain was so bad I sobbed for 10 minutes. It shot through my shoulder and down the length of my arm. I almost couldn’t breathe. Dr. Andrews is sending me to a specialist to check out my xrays and I’ll be one step closer to an MRI. Damn medicaid makes getting care like a puzzle. I’m so thanklful she knows how to piece it together. I also have calcification in my right breast. I was told to have another mammogram in 6 months. She said not good enough. She wants me to see a specialist to get a period put on the end of the sentence. She won’t have me wait 6 months and have possible cancer start when she knows someone whos specializes in this and will make sure I’m fine now. I love this lady. She is so sharp. Oh yeah, MY numbers that indicated borderline diabetes went down. She gave me a high five. lol

Steve doesn’t want to be friends with Tammy because she reminds him of my girls. She’s got that disconnect that comes with bi-polar/adhd/etc and therefore I am guilty for getting us involved with someone flawed. I can’t win. It always goes back to me and my kids and how he has been badly treated blah blah blah BLAH WAH WAH WAHHHHH. pooh him. I’m as sick of hearing it as a person can be. My kids are a handfull but if he would stop comparing them to everyone else, and let them be, he could enjoy some moments. Yes there are some difficult moments, but all in all, the years have mellowed things. And the grands make it worth the effort.

Anyway…what else is there to say? I guess I’ll pop in and say something on FB soon. Since the page is there whether I say so or not. lol I’m fine. Life is chugging along. I’ve realized my gardening days may be moving back to containers on the deck because I can’t work it and neither can Steve. OH – I paid $3 for an organic pink grapefruit. Cut into it – it’s not pink. It’s ok I guess. I really wanted pink.

I am still making baby hats. They make me happy.

Ta!