Green Jean Granny

If anyone is worried about me over Facebook, please don’t. I learned long ago to pick my battles wisely and today’s battle is not Facebook. I should reactivate it in a couple of weeks. If you need me, call or text me, or email me. I’m not gone. email is myrealname@ymail.com you get the point. Anyway. Just letting you know. ♥

since the Solstice – G’s teeth are fixed. Medicaid paid because of changes that slid into place due to Obamacare – they quietly came and without much adu, all is well. He looks so nice now without thos big brown splotches on his front teeth. He’s getting man hair on his arms to match his legs. His chin has a hair or three or four – and his moustache is visible. My handsome man-child is growing up. He’s a legitimate 6’1″ now.

The dental office took an application from me to work as an assistant to the front desk manager…she and I are friends and when help is decided upon, I am pretty sure I will have a part time job. Our housecleaning job has increased $100 on months when there are 3 Tuesdays. It’s not much, but it helps. Steve is still working with Don.

BOA has not decided whether to help us or not. If they would just cut the payment or delay it for 18 months – something to take the pressure off, we could breathe. The neighbors were denied assistance and will be moving. The lady handling our account has been nice, but not real available. She keeps asking for stuff they already have. I was told it will be decided in a couple of weeks. I asked her if she thinks they will help and she said they are looking for debt to in coming money ratio – it doesn’t give me hope, but still, we HOPE. If they can forgive underwater loans, in huge amounts, why can’t they forgive ours? It’s so small in comparison . . .

I’ve had xrays done on my shoulder and neck. Years ago, I was outside in the garden and my legs gave out from under me. I was told my spine was straight instead of curved in my neck like it should be. No one said to do anything about it. Now it’s the same, and they tell me the headaches and joint pain is probably degenerative. My lab work shows severe C-reactive protien whatever that means. They said there are no factors indicating Rheumatoid Arthritis, or Lupis, but want to send me to a Rheumatologist for further testing. I am not thrilled with the pain meds they gave me and don’t notice much difference. I’m working on my weight – exercise hurts so bad and every part of me stops working for about 3 days afterwards – I’m just not sure what to do. I am going to call the Peach State Insurance we rolled into and see if the Weight Watchers or YMCA are part of what they cover. I think they are and that might help me. Anyway. Mamogram is scheduled for the 16th of August.

Steve’s got a prostate biopsy set for August 21st to rule out cancer. He tested into the mild range of diabetes, his bp is high, his cholesterol is high, they put him on a beta blocker this time. He is 6’1.5″ and weighs 220. He’s not that much over weight and he is fairly active. This crap is genetic for him. It sucks. So dieting healthier all around is on the family agenda.

I guess this is the main update for now. Except that Kayla called me. She’s not mad anymore. YAY!

Warm, purple grapes, rinsed and ready.

Tiny red tomatoes bursting with the remembered flavor of my childhood.

Thoughts of my gramma, and my grandchildren together in my mind.

One perfect strawberry

a handful of lettuce

and chives . . .

Summer is here.

…knitting, the babies that are filling our lives, The New Girl and The Big Bang Theory. I have to say I laugh so hard I cry! The bidet episode of The New Girl had me going for hours. The robotic arm episode of TBBT, omg it was hysterical. Last time I enjoyed tv this much was when Dharma and Greg was on. It’s been too long.

laughter is the best medicine – along with friends who make their own hot dog buns! I have terrific friends!

Locally, Steve and I have made a new friend. Tammy. We met her through trivia. She is funny, nice…divorced. has 2 girls. And has the biggest natural chest I’ve ever met. She is a hoot and a friendship grows. I’m so glad, too. I was afraid I’d met someone I could be friends with and Steve wouldn’t like her. That man magnet chest got her over the rough start. She’s not a good trivia player lol poor baby; but she needs a knight and I have one. He agreed to help her move – her home is forclosed on. She’s a lion mama like me, and she crochets. Too bad she’s not pagan.

I don’t know how the man’s done it, but BOA has delayed foreclosure again. Steve’s now working directly with a lady named Joy to see if they will modify the loan. We got the papers she needed yesterday to have faxed over. I think the countdown is still on, but she sounds like the situation is promising.

I am tired-er of this situation than anything I have ever experienced. I have my craft supplies in plastic buckets in case they have to be stored. My jewelry supplies are in a big bucket too. The livingroom has electronics everywhere. Steve brought them down out of his room. I wish to god he’d get that flea market table.

He’s been more open to gentle discussion of moving. he’s been tender and loving and kind. He’s on medicine for high BP and high colesterol, and low thyroid, and saw palmetto has helped with his prostate issue. No sonogram of it, and no mamogram for me – can’t seem to get the medicaid to work right for those things. I have no experience with referals. The Dr. said they’d call US with appointments, but no one has. He’s feeling much better. The falling asleep at the drop of a hat has stopped. I’m so thankful.

For me, the prozac has helped my weepies. I’m taking high dose iron and vitamins D/B12. I don’t notice anything except that every joint in my body aches. How can my shoulders and collar bone and chest all be stiff? My back aches terribly. I don’t even know where to begin with weight and exercise with this pain. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to clean houses for money. I can’t get off the floor when I kneel, and I can’t reach over my head with my right arm. It’s always something… maybe it’s so bad right now because this is our 3rd day of rain.

Still no work. Still putting in applications. If the house does enter forclosure, Steve will talk to his brother. I can’t imagine that will make a difference, but that’s when he’ll do it. We are certain of two things. We have a truck to move with, and places to go. We won’t be on the street. I have managed to save back a small bit of money for G’s clothes and new shoes when the school year begins. It’s not a lot, but he’ll be covered. I haven’t said a word about having it because in this house, everything runs at emergency level. It would be needed someplace else faster than I can blink.

How long do people live with unforgiveness and remain uneffected? Is it helpful to surround someone with thoughts of love when they reject you? After so many years of wanting someone so badly, does it become self abuse to reach out to them and keep hoping they will allow you back in their lives? Is there any comfort for one separated from loved ones? Ever? How does the one loving the person who hurts get through to them and past the pain? This empathic shit steals my sleep – and honestly, feeling someone’s pain and being walled away from them sometimes is more than I can stand. HERE is a soul connection denied. One that I am so tempted to hex, zap, work intentions towards… the separation of Steve from his now grown daughters has stolen so much of our lives together. In Steve’s mind, his girls were and are perfection. Maybe feeling blocked out and like we don’t measure up is what I project into the scenario. It’s high freaking tide for him right now and once again, I’m riding it out – He never says a word, but I KNOW. I hate these spikes in his attachment –   I try to separate myself from his experience, but his comments about my kids, take me by suprise. He says things in such a matter of fact way like I’m his confidant that they are messed up. I know they can be shits, but my gods, we work through the anger and issues and move on. I shouldn’t have to apologize for loving someone imperfect. I love him and he’s sure as hell far from perfect. Sometimes I wish he would get the courage to get off the guilt train. Life can get pretty sad when you straddle a fence. So….how’s this for a morning rant? It can be a lonely place when you love someone who can’t pull you into his heart because he’s built a wall of guilt.

Why does this seem like what I think about him, self applies to me? I guess we hold on for a lifetime, don’t we?

. . . have started with my room. Yesterday I sorted a book shelf of papers and magazines and office supplies. I’m not sure how to get what I want to keep someplace I can use it as I need to, while sorting what we can sell and do without. The first 2 minutes had me pushing back tears, then I straightened up and did what I needed to do.

Today, I think I’ll pack up my jewelry making supplies/books. I can tape that storage container shut and move it to a corner.

Today is G’s last day of 9th grade. I started to worry about next year’s changes and stopped myself. He’s gotten good solid A’s and a B in APAlgebra. Stellar!

I tell myself I am capable and strong. I am trying to accept the truths and frame the facts with positives. No exagerations has become the reminder of the day.