Green Jean Granny

I sent the last round of requested paperwork over to BOA last night. The lady said they were late but she’d just asked for them on Friday night. I think it was her way of saying it’s not gonna matter. BOA sent us a 60-90 day notice on the 1st of this month saying we had to vacate before HUD takes ownership of we had 10 days from the date of the letter to get paperwork to HUD so they could determine a fair market value rent for us to pay. Staying would only be temporary.

I can’t sleep. I’m pleading for help in my dreams even. I wake up thinking I’m sorting and stacking and trying to decide what I need, and what I can live without.

We are holding together as a couple which is a relief. G is vaguely aware of what’s happening. I’m trying not to talk about this with anyone because I know it makes people uncomfortable – hell, it makes me uncomfortable. I’ve always been the go to person in our lives and this is so hard for me to handle in silence. Steve barely talks about it and I don’t push it. Depression is barely on the fringes and it EATS US ALIVE if we let it in.

How am I supossed to handle this? I am slap broke and need storage – V said get boxes off Craig’s list…I have no money for gas to go get free boxes. I remember how many times we packed up the stationwagon when I was a kid and loaded in however many kids we had and drove to a new city and lived at the road side rest. NO, it wasn’t good practice. I had a shitty childhood.

I don’t know what to do.

Funny how we always begin with memories. Pictures. Genealogy papers. Family bible. Papers.

I guess I’ll try to document how it goes.

We turned in the paperwork for restructuring the loan but haven’t heard a peep back from BOA or the lady who picked up the papers. I figure things are either going to get a reprieve, or go bad fast. Our date that BOA gave for foreclosure has come and gone. I feel like I’m living with my breath held EXCEPT….

Last weekend, I got to meet Haskell, see my oldest daughter, spend the day with my youngest daughter, see my grand daughter, hold my sister’s grandson, and hug my sister and her son! I choose to let the joy I felt propel me forward to whatever comes. It was wonderful. I can’t remember too many better days. I also went to my son in law’s sister’s baby shower, met all her friends, and was enveloped into the Westbrook family events. Lavonne is my daughter’s mom in law AND my friend. A perfect situation.

So everything is still as it was. We are in a holding pattern except that I am knitting like a nut! This month I have planned socks, a plarn bag, a shawl, and a hat and scarf. I’ve pretty much decided whatever I don’t sell by Christmas gets donated to some charity. I’m not picky at this point. I’m also going to carry around a baggie of hats and booties and little gifts and give them to strangers when the opportunity presents. I need to do this for ME.

As usual, the garden isn’t getting enough sunshine to grow anything but herbs.

I’ve also started collecting ideas from Pinterest. My next project is to write/design my own pattern. With all these babies around, it ought to be fun. I also need to make a crocheted robot for Haskell.

So there’s the update.

xxooxxoo’s

Took 3 years to get medicaid for us, and now that we have it, I keep thinking ‘what the hell’. I’m anemic with a vitD deficiency. Steve’s got high blood pressure and high cholesterol, hypothyroid, and enlarged prostate. Both of us have abnormal gloucose readings. It will be another week befor we get the official results from the doctor. G is fine except we need $2,000 for two root canals for his front teeth – which medicaid will pull, not fix. His front teeth!!! You’d think they would help with this. We are scheduled for colonoscopys, she said she’d refer me for a mamogram and sonogram of the breast lump. No word on the papsmear AND yesterday’s mail had a referal for physciatric eval for anxiety which I never mentioned. I have an otc temporary plug in my tooth that needs a root canal, also a front tooth they will fill but not help fix. I guess I am a bit down.

Friday we got the foreclosure papers again. Nothing has changed except there’s no one to help except Steve’s brother – that’s not reassuring to me since they love him and not the rest of us. Steve’s a suffer in silence till the last moment possible kinda guy and I swear if he kills himself I will haunt his ass forever and ever and ever.

I’m just tired of the yoyo shit.

Vanessa will be here the first week in May and I’ll get to see Haskell. I want to put my hands on that baby so bad… and I want to see Isaac more than anyone can know.

enough food and no money for house payments…what a quandry. Steve seems to think his brother will buy our house to help us. That’s wonderful but we can’t pay him rent either. I wish this wasn’t constantly on my mind. I don’t know whether to pack or not. I just know I want enough time to sort stuff if moving comes.

Yesterday we spent $3 and bought me 3 tops at Lillie’s Cloak – a local thrift shop. I came home and still wanted to cry. I guess I should kill my vanity so I can do this without feeling. You buy what is there without any choice except it’s a 2X. Green, brown, blue with fish bones. I will be cool enough and that is what is important. What the fuck is wrong with me?

When we got home there was a box from a friend with lotion, hand soap, fish oil (vitamins), candles, incense, yarn, books, buttons. I love my friends. I sat on the couch and knitted and thumbed through the books – I am starting to get some things made that I can sell. 

Last night G was talking and kind of mad at his teacher for treating them like they were stupid. Why did the polite man go to the beach? To become a tan gent (tangent). He didn’t even want to do the work on the project because it was so dumb. I sat from across the room and thought what a handsome young man he’s become. Steve has been talking about him learning to drive. G has never mentioned it. I told Steve to stop bringing it up because my heart can’t see that happening yet. I also told him that before G learns to drive, he has to learn to knit. The focus and attention to detail will show me he’s serious and can pay attention. I’m only kind of kidding. G won’t want to and will let go of driving for a while. Steve wants normalacy from our kiddo but Asperger’s takes that away. I figure he’ll learn in time, but he’ll be older. He’s getting good looking enough he’s going to get more attention than he can handle – he doesn’t need the kind of attention car keys would bring. Plus, his vanity might want something other than our Jimmy to unwind his tall frame from – 6 ft even now.

I used the food stamp card to buy plants for the garden. Herbs, seeds, veges, fruit… the clerk didn’t know it could be done and said in his 3 years at Walmart, no one else had ever done it. I guess I’m an EBT trend setter.  

well, big breaths and blogging only delay the day. I’m going to clean the downstairs bathroom and position the plants where we need to put them – steve plants them since I can’t get up and down easily. Dishes need washing and clothes need hanging and folding. It’s a beautiful morning – nice and warm and sunshiney.

Self Employed, not unemployed… I guess I’m wasting time! ♥