Green Jean Granny

to crush a person’s spirit. The EBT didn’t refil this morning. No notice, nothing. Online it showed everything as being fine. This morning the online doesn’t function and says my account is invalid. We don’t money assistance, all we receive is food stamps. I understand I am not entitled to anything and that GA will pat itself on the back for it’s monthly savings as it closes down offices that don’t work anyway – but for gods sake, I don’t know what to do.

BOA says as long as we are working on our payment resolution they won’t kick us out but they have already taken away my ability to make partial payments and $4k might as well be $4million – and those papers for loan modification NEVER come – they flat out lie that they’ve been sent Fed-EX.

I’ve been trying so hard to set up a plan for living, but with no job and no food stamps, what the hell am I supossed to do? When the bank says move, I’ve got no where to go. When you aren’t relying on religion to have your back, what do you do? Be phoney and fake it?

My sweet son was relying on me to have food for him today – he’s been going without and scraping by for days now. It’s a good thing we didn’t throw out the survival rations I guess. Fuck. Just fuck.

Another Holiday under our belts. Family, check. Good times, check. Disappointment, oh yeah. Excitement, wrapped in something personal, check there too.

Sometimes I wonder if we will ever celebrate this season without tears. Will we ever just let it be, and stop with the expectations that don’t manifest? Sometimes I wonder if I am destined to feel last and afraid and like nothing will ever be right. Where is the strength that is supossed to come as we age and where is the figured out-it-ness? Am I putting effort into something no one wants but me? Sigh.

There has been abundance. There is impending loss and huge change looming. There is a void inside and out, that I stress over constantly. I long for my emotional void to be filled but wonder if it ever will be.

I loved having my hands on the grandbabies.

I saw my sister and her kids. I felt helpless to fight tears when asked “how are you?” I couldn’t turn off our life to participate in everyone’s Happy-Happy. I tried. I love this season. I wanted to give my child something – gifts under a tree, but more, security… Geoffrey asked me about our house and when I think we’ll have to move. I told him it could be soon or it could be a year from now. It’s not in my control.

The knot in my throat has taken up residence there. We’re cold, but not terribly cold. The days are 50ish and we can live with that though sometimes my hands and feet and knees ache. We have food. We have a smidge of work. We can pay our utilities but not our house payment. Same old, same old, STUFF.

I haven’t had a period for 6 weeks. Menopause is beginning.

And today a friend shared a video on two-handed fair isle knitting. I have learned a new skill in my old age! I have color patterns AND the desired stretchiness one’s knitting should have! I’m so tickled I could just squeel! This year’s arm warmers are going to be lovely!

I also walked the garden and there are greens. December and it still produces!

Goddess thank you. Goddess hold us. Goddess Guide us. One foot in front of the other is all I can manage right now. I think, it’s all that’s expected.

Chickweed, assorted salad greens, and collards. Abundance in the midst of winter.

Such a strange feel to the morning. I woke up from the same dreams I’ve had for 2 weeks. Came downstairs and started to turn on the tv but didn’t – instead, I made coffee, then went out on the deck and took in a deep breath. SIXTY ONE degrees! Cool, but so nice.

The same worries perch on my shoulders but we have a job to go to today. Same person, different house. He called cleaning it ‘tedious’. We shall see. $100 is a good thing.

Walked into my space and there sat Patches – pretty patches – right on top of my damp knitting. She’d been there so long there was a strong crease in the project. Crap. so I rewet the pieces and they are now spinning ’round in the dryer.  I had this idea of ‘all natural’ and not using the dryer, but everything is subject to change!  I got to thinking how the warmers are actually well traveled little pieces. The yarn came from Ohio, they’ve been to trivia, to Atlanta, and will go back to Ohio. I like that thought. If they dry well, I’ll wrap them in tissue paper in an hour and box them for their trip home later today. Their creation paid my water bill. Universe bless them!

Last night, I made a backpack for an American Girl doll, along with a neck scarf and a pair of wrist warmers. I used a cabone ring to create a button for a sweater coat I finished a week ago. There is also the outfit ‘my’ doll came to me in that I stripped her of – poor doll – to add to my clothes box for Sara’s holiday gift. I figure I have a few days to finish making little doll items since I hope to see her during the next two weeks. If nothing else, Kayla can deliver them to her when they go visit.

I’ll make dog treats later today. There is a turkey to cook. I made fabric softner for the laundry. It’s already been a productive day. I need to charge the phone and straighten our living space. There is also a crap load of laundry piled on a chair. lol

I was watching Dr Phil yesterday and saw a commedian I haven’t seen in years. Christopher Titus. I loved his show. He talked about coming from a seriously dysfunctional family and almost killing himself and the VOICE of his father stopping him. He basically yelled at him and told him to get his ass onstage – he had a job to do! Not funny in the setting of contemplating suicide, but a voice I know well. It reminded me that I believe God is anything that comes to us in our moment of crisis. My inner voice too often, seems like a stuck record these days, but she’s there. I feel Her, my inner Goddess, constantly. I know I’d be much dimenished without Her. Grandmother, thank you for the reminder. You saved me once and you keep me from that darkest place even when I waver and think of giving up. It is all in the balance. Please guard me from receiving too much on either hand right now. I will make this day all it can be.

Well, I thought I should update this. We sealed our fate for what WE can do when we paid the dentist for my teeth. No chance to make up past house payments. That’s so hard for me to know. Can’t change it. I knew this was coming, but still, it’s hard. I guess we are going to loose the house tho Steve is still not saying that out loud. I really have no idea what we will do when that happens or how long it will be before BOA moves on us. Statistics say one in 45 children are homeless.

On a bright note, we got another house to clean this week and we have sold some things on ebay. I wrapped those old food cans with wrapping paper we had, stacked them, and made us a tree using old garland, lights and ornaments. It’s really cute. I may never buy another tree we got so much help with being creative! No one really cares about presents anymore. We have what we need.  :0)

People have ideas they share and I listen well in case there is something we haven’t tried. 3 yrs of this though and two things are very clear. ONE: we are all suffering from depression. and TWO: we need a storefront. I don’t know how to get rid of the first or pull off the second.

I don’t want this to be so negative. We are OK. Everyone is healthy. There is work today. We aren’t hungry. The animals are all ok. The car is running. The phone is on for emergencies. The sun’s out.

One day at a time works with blinders. :0)

Like today, work with Don is out – painting is out – but we sold $35 worth of stuff on Craigs List. I’m working on a knitting project and Steve is rebuilding our gardening table. It’s 70 degrees, sunny and G came home early from school. Finals = half days.

I know that’s not true, but the thought still comes.

I don’t understand how we can try so very hard and nothing works out for us. Friends have sweet words about how everyone is struggling and it will work out – but I saw an entire house payment that took us 3 months to gather handed to a man who pulled my teeth in under 10 minutes. AND I have to pay him MORE when there isn’t any more. My water and electric and gas are sitting at 2 months back. My phone is on for 2 more days. The Internet will be no good without the electric. We have no firewood. we can’t do ebay because of fees we no longer have. Our home is entering foreclosure. Oh, and the DFCS office called leaving a number that is full and won’t take messages.

Maybe if I set out some pots, I can catch all this rain and do something with it. It’s sure as heck pouring right now.

If I disappear, you know why.

There is land to move onto – I think that’s something. We have to hit the wall first and I know this. I’m trying to hide my eyes though, as emotionally, I don’t feel positive or strong even though I know I will be.

Sun peeking over the horizon – hot tea in my cup. Work to set my hand to. In this moment, it is enough.

RIP Steve Jobs. I think you made more difference to more people than anyone else I can think of.